IFS and Neurodifferences

Introduction – This hour together is an integration of: research and dissemination of other’s words and research and then my own lived experience, my work as a UKCP and IFS therapist and neurofeedback practitioner, realisations and views shared to my parts and clarity and curiosity from my Self.  (Please do know I’m not an expert - this is aimed at my local community here in Stroud, I’m someone in the community feeding back interesting information in service to the community). If II write something that you’re not ok with, please do write and tell me and we can discuss, and I may amend here, I obviously cant amend the video!

NB! I have a lot of parts who have views about this talk in particular.  IOnes that don’t want to offend, ones that don’t want me to stick my neck out and get shot down, frightened ones, activisty ones.  The first of these Stroud IFS drop in talks on IFS and Neurodivergence, earlier in the month, I had parts blend with me and I went into a shame spiral. I managed to pause, find my Self and do a u turn, and then return.  So I want you to know its likely parts of me might blend, I might get flustered… and also I’m ok, I’ve got this.  And I’m going to mainly read my notes!

I offer this talk, with the ideas of inclusive, Brave and Accountable Space from intersectionality - I’m aware that for many here, particularly those who are neurodifferent (like me!), showing up today is a courageous thing,  lots of people, lots of words, lighting, seating – I want to acknowledge that this is brave.  And… Accountable…  I’d like to be responsible for myself, my intentions, words, and actions. I’m entering here with good intentions, and aligning my intent with action. I want to show allyship with the ND folk in real-time. I hope it allows us here to align well-meaning intentions also with impact.  Accountable space guidelines do not place an unfair burden onto the ND community to fit in.  They place an equal amount of onus for all to behave equitably and inclusively, to foster a deeper understanding of diverse lived experiences in real-time. 

Accommodations:  First, please make yourselves as comfortable as possible, be it sitting, standing, lying down.  Hopefully there’ll be enough variety for those with attention differences to stay engaged.  I’ve commissioned some stickfigures based on my own drawings and ideas, I hope you like them - they bring me a lot of joy! Please don’t be worried if you don’t catch it all… there’s a lot of words and my AUDHD brainwaves are fast.  I’m making the recording available and also all my notes.  Don’t stress, you can go back and review.   Please stim if you want to stim or have any supports, headphones etc.  I’ll talk for 45 mins or so and we’ll stretch and move bodies, please do move around if you need to.

So who am I? I’m a UKCP therapist and IFS level 3. I’m a neurofeedback practitioner too. And I have a legacy of trauma, and identify as neurodivergent both in my legacy and also upbringing: CPTSD and OCD in particular, and have neurodivergent family members, both diagnosed and undiagnosed. ITs increasingly clear to me that I’m AUDHD (and to others too… I am peer-reviewed! rather than formally diagnosed). I have done a whole load of training and practice as a therapist, and neurofeedback practitioner, and Level 3 IFS. I’m not a lead trainer, not affiliated with the Institute, and now research into what others in the IFS community have said about IFS and neurodivergence and I’m distilling it.  I encourage you to look further into the research and talks done by people like Sarah Bergenfield (www.curiousheart.com) on autism, Erin Findley on Neurodiversity Affirmative working with neurodivergent and mixed neurotype couples (and Emotionally Focused Therapy)  https://vimeo.com/554146267/50082db094?fbclid=IwAR2YU9p4yCWFJYIyKrY8hneiAhds3-N3AOBAxDmuw2a_MhXSFM5asl2N4Fw

 Kim Bolling on IFS, IFIO couples therapy with Neurodivergent couples (and specifically those with different neurotypes)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BerZB3XSrY8

 IFS talks with Joanne Twombly (trauma and dissociation informed IFS) https://player.fm/series/ifs-talks/trauma-and-dissociation-informed-ifs-with-joanne-twombly

 Stephanie Mitchell (IFS and non-ordinary states) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/all-experiences-welcome-ifs-and-non-ordinary-states/id1481000501?i=1000523543375

, Yoav Bartov (IFS talks on IFS and neurodiversity) https://podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/ifs-and-neurodiversity-with-yoav-bartov/id1481000501?i=1000551668875

Candice Christinensen and Meg Martinez have a fantastic chapter in the book Altogether Us about neurodifferences (its great! one of my favourite) and they also have been interviewed here in The One Inside : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jVDgrqzq8k and here’s more about them https://www.namasteadvice.com/neuroinclusivetherapy I use their diagramme almost everyday, i find it so helpful

 and a shout out to a few others who have shared their opinion and lived experience with me in private groups and in conversation – who have specifically asked not to be quoted. 

 First – Some thoughts…

If we take Neurodivergent as an umbrella term, with different neurotypes, for those who experience the world differently, Autism, ADHD (and now AUDHD) are the two most seen as ND but also other ways of being, including CPTSD, OCD, dyslexia, epilepsy, psychosis, down syndrome, bipolar etc. … This talk centres a neurodiversity affirming approach, where Autistic and ADHDers – and the other neurotypes too -are seen as existing in a different kind of way in the world than the current societal norm.  If we take it out to our biological home, all of us…  The world is home to a massive beautiful variety of life.  Millions of different species.  As Erin Findley says, biodiversity is not only the most complex aspect of our planet but also the most vital.  We need diversity, to maintain balance and survive.  The more genetic diversity there is the better we are to continually adapt to our environment, as it changes and evolves. Diversity helps humanity to flourish.  A beautiful diversity of traits and abilities: minds that create stories, and sense changes in the environment, brains that seek patterns, distractable, focused, quiet and busy minds.  Part of biodiversity.  Neurodiversity does not need curing.  Its good and valid and doesn’t need fixing.

There’s work to be done, for many of us, internally around our own internalised Ableism, also I’d like to say racism, heteronormality, classism, ageism, religious prejudice.  We can do this work.  It’s possible.   Our world so needs this work. There’s so much polarisation and forces trying to shut down these, to me the answer is doing my own work, creating internally an Internal Secure Attachment, healing the trauma and unburdening the system and then returning outside.. so a different experience can happen.

Yoav Bartov makes the case that neurotypical folk are just as diverse from each other as ND are.  We need language to describe things, to have these descriptors, to help us, but there are limitations, it’s helpful to loosely hold a bunch of commonalities, but lightly.   To cluster neurodivergence into one bunch is as useful as saying that everyone who is ‘neurotypical’ is the same.   Everyone’s brains are different, there are many different Neurotypes.

As a neurofeedback practitioner, I see differences on screen, via brainwave analysis.  ADHD, autism, OCD, these all have markers and PTSD too.  These are a thing!  But I want to say several things here

1        these brain patterns can vary day to day, and over the lifespan too, according to our lived experience, living in a world where there are clearly established norms to what is ‘normal’, and the neuroplasticity we all have. 

2        Both neurodivergent and neurotypical brains vary widely.  Sometimes on my screen they have similar markers.  None are broken, just different, biodiverse, just like in nature.

So… onto IFS and the nervous system

I’d like to say a couple of words about polyvagal theory and our Nervous Systems and neuroception .. this is our nervous system danger/safety response.  Before the conscious mind.  The microsecond by microsecond checking in, am I in danger, am I safe?  Neurodivergent folk tend to have highly attuned or sensitive neuroception, when a person’s neuroception is incredibly sensitive and thus responsive to stimulus that might not even register for someone else. Sensitive neuroception much more accurately describes how the Autistic brain interacts with the internal and external environment.

Many Autistic people do have low functioning of the ventral vagus nerve but this is often due to trauma, it is not an inherent trait of the neurotype. Trauma Geek (Janae Elizabethe) writes “Ventral supremacy is a big problem. Due to the hierarchical way that the polyvagal ladder is presented, it can be easy to assume that being in ventral social engagement as often as possible is our goal. However, the reality is that our world is dysregulating. Safety is a limited resource in this society. Our bodies evolved to become dysregulated in the face of real stressors. It’s okay to be dysregulated some of the time.” And “people have a higher than average need to release stress from our bodies in physical ways and to spend time in dorsal rest, a low-energy safe version of the dorsal shutdown state. Accepting our nervous systems and our responses as they are, rather than forcing ourselves to have a different response than we do, leads to more coherence and better self image.”

What happens to you when you meet with someone else?  What happens for example when you see someone with a ‘fake’ smile that doesn’t reach their eyes?    Someone with botox?  Someone’s flat affect?  This is neuroception.  Sense of Safety, sense of danger.  These all send signals of danger for me, my mum had flat affect and when I was a little girl it was very frightening. To be mirrored helps us co-regulate, when we’re not our systems signals alarm.  It’s what we then do with that information, then, the parts that come up to defend our systems – they judge the other, or they make us run away or hide, or go into shame. Luckily, we all have a Self!  There’s something called the vagal brake, inviting a slowing down, to calm, take a breath a pause.  Can we be curious and support our systems, letting them know we’re with them, help the reactivity which has sounded the alarm.   There are ways to support our nervous systems!  I won’t go into it here, I encourage you to look at polyvagal theory, co-regulation with others, and how our parts work with our nervous system to protect us. 

Ps here there’s a really good article by ‘Trauma Geek’ which I highly recommend, on neurodivergence and polyvagal theory and dangers inherent. https://autietraumageek.medium.com/a-neurodiversity-paradigm-lens-on-polyvagal-theory-pvt-7f9495cffbd8

So… Internal Family Systems – Lots of info about IFS out there on the internet, on my website www.stroudtherapy.com.

Very simply.. We are multiplicitous and that’s a good thing.  I want you to imagine that there are many little personalities inside of you who are all wanting to look after you, or who are little young ones looking for healing. 

Then there’s YOU.  It is an absolute fundamental of IFS that we each have a core Self and the Self is not broken.  Qualities of Self are the 8Cs.  These C’s may show up in the Autistic or ND Self as a little different to NT.   Sarah Bergenfield has identified some other characteristics of the Autistic Self, which I’m sending round now (qualities being regulated, safety, ease, contentment, space) and the burdened / unburdened system.    I imagine we all have a different proportion of each of the qualities.  Dick Schwartz etal are keen to talk about the wider spirituality, where my Self connects with yours, and everyone else too. 

IFS calls the protective parts that are proactive ‘manager’s.. who try to keep us looking good so we don’t get rejected

The parts that have taken on burdens we call exiles

The parts that react when we’re feeling hurt or vulnerable, we call those Firefighters.

Parts take on roles to protect us from childhood injuries, from slights, rejections, mini and big traumas.  From feeling powerless, helpless, alone. 

Our protective parts work hard for us, they have no choice but to do their behaviour right now, they have good intentions, even if their effects are difficult. 

IFS helps you turn towards those parts and get to know them from Self.  Like the sun, with the parts as clouds.   Driver of the bus.  Chair of the meeting.  Conductor of the orchestra

How do I do that?  For those who are ND or who aren’t ND, or come from a different neurotype than the person you’re with, I invite you to do the exact same work.  

Second.. We’ll try this in our meditation, so this isn’t literal, unless you’d like it to be.  Close your eyes, or at least soften them.. turn attention inward.  And wait.. say hi!  Would anyone like your attention?  .. or you might notice a part come up… or you might notice a body sensation.  If you’re triggered by something someone does or says… you focus there.  Invite the part to come and speak with you.  That’s a start! Start with a U turn if you notice a reaction to someone or something. 

Second… Ask inside to whatever you’re noticing, the thought the impulse, the sensation, the feeling. … Is this my operating system, just me… or is it protecting something?  I’ll speak more about parts and neurotypes in a minute.

Then third… the F’s     Find the part, focus on it… two way relationship   make friends with it.  How do you feel towards it?   Ask it what its hoping to achieve for you, what it is frightened of… How old is it?  How old does it think you are.

We’ll do a meditation afterwards to give you a taster.  There are many more on Insight Timer.  There are resources I’ll share after this, for having an explore on your own… there are some ideas on my website: the 6 F’s IFS protocol, lots of questions to ask parts, on the internet.  You could join the local Stroud WhatsApp Buddy Up group, and practice with someone else locally.  You could find an IFS or and IFS informed therapist.  There are IFS Facebook groups too.

I wanted to really emphasise … There is a distinction between Neurology and Parts.  It is damaging to neurodivergent folk to call neurology a part.   Autism is not a part, neurology is not a part. It can be really harmful to say ‘this is a part ..’ when it’s not.  It sets up the idea that with enough work with those parts that we can unburden them and experience healing and potentially not continue to experience them.  Who I am is not a part.  Its super nuanced and complex, and you can get into philosophical discussion, but really important. If you can’t clearly see/feel then remain uncertain, curious.  Often the behaviour may be both. Sometimes it’s just a characteristic, it’s your operating system, like smell, how my brain works, the part is how I then react to it, if there’s anxiety alongside it, then maybe that’s a part, then that takes over and stops the Self Energy.  As great generality, ND experience the world much more intensely. For eg.. noise, might bother me but not to someone else.  I can’t not easily notice the sound.  How I then deal with it is parts.. frustrated, apologetic for eg.  Am I experiencing rigidity because of my neurology or do I have a part or an exile, its like a specialised brain, my super focus, and hyper sensitive.  Not parts yet.  We develop extreme parts because we experience the world differently.  We need to hold openness about it. Trust the IFS process. If I ask it, there may be nothing there, rather than a difficulty to let go, not necessarily a fear.  Trust the client. Many of us know when it’s a part, if we ask it, are you protecting me in some way, do you have a job?   Start with the Fs. And remain uncertain, curious? Ask! If you get nothing at all maybe it’s not a part (maybe its alexithymia). It could be this or it could be that?   Sometimes it’s a Self like part, overidentified with me, but if I attend closely, I know it’s not quite me.  ADHD time blindness could be neurology, executive functioning but also it ‘could’ be serving someone by keeping hyper focused on another engaging task, to avoid the boredom or shame that might come with the new task.

One more thing to include Legacy Burdens – society/culture and family.  These are the traumas suffered in the past which have then been carried through the generations.  Related to epigenetics.  Rules, regulations of how to show up in the world, so as not to feel whatever trauma originally happened.  In legacy burdens the aftershocks continue.  Sometimes we know the story sometimes we don’t.  Ask yourself, about rules you hold about how women should be, men, whether you should be self sufficient or be in community, attitudes to money and things.  Capitalist, patriarchal, individualist, materialist cultural legacy burdens. 

What about ‘neurotypical’ societal/cultural legacy burdens?   We might call it ‘ableism’.   Rules about bias, those who were different to the norm ‘should’ fit in.  The way our lives are set up to make it easy for NT folk.   An implicit bias that NT ways of doing things are better than, neurodivergent – seeing ‘them’ as ‘other’, as less than ‘us’…  I want to say I also swallowed some of those rules and replicated them, including judgement, perfectionism.  unconscious privilege.  Underneath, I now know, was fear of difference.  

How do you work with these cultural legacy burdens?  Find them in ourselves, explore their nuances.  How are they protecting us?  Ask inside. See how we feel towards them.  Do you get the sense you let them go?  It might be no, but its at least conscious.  If yes… Open a window and let them out!  Burn on a fire!  We’ll focus on ancestral legacy burdens in Aprils Drop In.  Locally we have several people working with ancestral legacies, constellations and as shamans.  IFS has a wonderful way of inviting ancestors to line up and take back the burdens they’ve passed  - probably inadvertently – down the line, and back to a big bonfire, or sending the burdens back to the light, allowing instead the heirlooms to remain, and inviting in a gift to replace the burden.

So how does this all relate to neurodiversity?   Quite explicitly – you’re not broken: if you’re ND, you’ve got several diagnoses, you’re neurotypical… you’re not broken.  But it is highly likely we all have taken on legacy burdens from society and our own families, and if you’re neurodivergent accrued a ton of baggage living as neurodivergent in a neurotypical world… and if you’re NT you will also have taken on a ton of baggage, parts that have sensed threat or danger in someone’s difference, and then ‘othered’ or watched others making comments, being hostile etc.  These burdens and parts are needing to be worked on now. My activist parts issue a call to do this work, to celebrate the biodiversity and to make our Stroud safer, braver and  more accountable and to live alongside each other.

Headlines   If there are 4 things I want you to take away about IFS and neurodivergence:

IFS is great with the autistic brain, the ADHD brain, the PTSD brain.  IFS works beautifully with the autistic mind, with the ADHD mind, with the OCD, PTSD, bipolar, you name which neurodivergent mind.  ND folk often find IFS easier than NT folk!  It is a total gift and I so hope you’ll find it a wonderful way of finding your Self and forming secure internal attachment.  Forming a relationship inside Self to part, I can create a framework of understanding and relationship building.  I can use my own language, you can choose your language, direct and unambiguous, to connect to parts.  You can use what works for you.  Some of you might see or feel your parts, others hear.  Some find music helps, or use creative modalities to access your parts.  Really its totally up to you, what works for you. As Sarah Bergenfield says, ‘using your own lexicon builds confidence and empowers you to feel you can be understood and can understand.  You can be accepted!  For some of us, it can be the first time.  I can’t tell you how amazing this is to be accepted internally, to practice forming a secure attachment inside, to have relationships that work inside.  The space and wonderfulness are not to be underestimated.’

You’re not broken.  You do not need curing.  You’re in this talk so I’m guessing you know this!  Neurodivergence is OK, its more than ok, its part of a wonderful biodiversity of life.  You have likely accrued extra burdens and parts from living in our society and the parts of you may have taken on more extreme roles, but you at your core are exactly as you’re meant to be.  Your allies, your family members, they aren’t broken either, AND they have parts and burdens too.  How about: the judgers, the Otherers?  They’re not broken, they also have extreme parts, some perpetrating.   Each of us needs to get to know these parts, find out their motives, their fears, unburden.. and invite them to allow Self its proper place.

Internal Secure Attachment is key – it’s so radical – learn to really appreciate yourself and find the connection and acknowledgement you may have yearned for outside.  Enjoy the relationship within, the connections.  Do a U turn and get to know you, your fabulous Self, your Neurodivergent Self and know it to be wonderful.  You at the core, content, at ease, safe, with a family of inner personalities – your parts all around you, who are there to protect you. Its so cool to get to know this array of personalities, and for them to get to know you, get to rely on each other, they want to help you and they love you.  I invite you to bask in those inner connections, in that secure attachment.  To have relationships that really work.

Come and join in the adventure. Learn to do a U turn, then return.  Get to know each of your parts who have taken on extreme roles as a result of trying to live in neurotypical land, and just living.  Get to know what legacy burdens you’ve taken on from society, your ancestral family.  What baggage you’ve accrued.  You can do so much of this on your own or get yourself a therapist.  Ideally with the same neurotype but whichever, I hope it feels like alchemy.  Start forming these Self to Part relationships, this Self to Internal Family relationships.   Discover the amazing complexity and beauty of your own system, how endlessly fascinating you are.  Then you can Return outside and live authentically, connecting to the world from your internal attachment.  Speak for Parts not from Parts.  Make choices, from the inner discussions inside.

What parts come up for us neurodivergent folk?

From Sarah Bergenfield autistic, with some others, not definitive, ask inside.  What parts do you meet? 

Managers:  It seems that ADHD, OCD and Autism… lots of strong analytical and thinking parts. 

PTSD. Hypervigilant parts. These parts can often identify feelings, but not feeling into them at a somatic level.

We tend to have controlling the environment parts, judging others and often internal critics.

Caretaking, people pleasing, wanting people to like me/us.  Often camouflaging/masking parts that hope we can belong.  Masking is a parts driven behaviour among autistics.  Managers mask to make sure we stay functioning at expected levels or achieve success.

Numbing parts, as a way of life.. to help with the sensory overload of everything just being too much, too loud, too critical, too intrusive

Just reminding you that these are all trying to protect, their intentions are good.  And when we can meet them with our wonderful sunshine selves, When they are met and have connection to Self, they are proactive in keeping us safe and secure, collaborating with Self when to mask, they advocate for growth, they are problem solvers, competent and helpful

Firefighting parts:

Reactive…  Intentionally soothing and calming… scrolling, and youtube, substance abuse, cutting suicidal thoughts, bingeing.

Firefighters mask to avoid being bullied or seen.  Can put us in dangerous situations that result in overwhelm.

Dissociating

Gas lighting others (ie someone gets annoyed, if I make a comment, they say I overreact, that I shouldn’t get irritated by their action, I should just take their behaviour in my stride, I should be easy going). 

Firefighter parts are the unsung heroes in the system.  They’re often despised by managers, but they so want to help, to soothe and when they have a relationship with Self, when unburdened – they pay attention to how the system feels and can signal Self when dysregulation is occurring, alerting the need for self soothing behaviours.  Strong sense of justice and advocate for the system and for others. They are creative adventurous and fun.

Exiles Exiles holding the pain of rejection, who have themselves been gas lit, and who have received direct and indirect harmful comments, actions or inactions that make it known that we are different, not accepted, invalidated, not enough, annoying, worthless, broken….  Burdens of shame and stigma

When the exiles are unburdened there is potentially excitement, fun and joy and spontaneity and adventure back in the system.

So the Return outside..  lets now use our wonderful Selves to connect with those outside.

First – IFIO the couples version of IFS, has a beautiful Courageous Communication protocol I’d encourage you to learn.  At least use your CURIOUSITY to become a great listener and to ask lots of questions!  Ask your parts to step back so you can meet others, especially with difference, with curiosity and openness.  People from different neurotypes often are misattuned and think the other is wrong.  Maybe using curiosity we can discover something new and fascinating. Inviting you to connect with the other, and over time we can build a bridge… we can discuss our differences and make the changes needed from a place of curiosity and compassion. Pausing, putting on that vagal brake, comforting my parts. Its courageous to ask protectors to step aside so we can connect, listen, curiously and with compassion.

Have you heard of Double Empathy ? The double empathy problem, of understanding your neurotype but not another, causes chronic and cumulative misattunement. There was a study about ‘whispers’ - an autistic group, a neurotypical’ group and a mixed group – because of different communication styles the pure groups did equally well, the mixed group struggled.  Each neurotype has a distinct way of communicating:  it’s not deficit, it’s just different.  Unfortunately, there’s the privilege problem… the neuro majority aren’t asked to see things from the autistic perspective and autistic people are forced to conform to social norms.  Constant masking makes things comfortable for the neurotypical folk but are detrimental to the wellbeing of the ND.

Notice what stories we’re telling.. allistics are often really bad at empathising with autistic or ADHD folk, and we end up making stories up that pathologise autistic traits which NT folk then want autistic folk to minimise or suppress.  Fundamentally adding trauma to ND folk.   So its really important for us to notice what parts of us come up when the other does x.    We all need to look at our legacies too, how we collude with societal norms which aren’t keeping everyone safe.   What judgements am I making?  What is this part wanting to share with me?  What’s it hoping I’m not going to feel? 

Of course the Return isn’t always about telling, sometimes that doesn’t feel safe at all to our nervous systems.  Its about the 9th C of Choice…  sometimes it’s not brave space or safe space… and masking is what we need to do, fitting in.  Sometimes knowing we’re choosing to mask, feels safe and the courageous thing.  Sometimes to be ourselves and not mask is the courageous thing.  The choice is always yours

If you’re going to hang out with someone from a different neurotype to you, finding strategies for connection and communication are really important or there is likely to be gridlock.   Whether ND or NT we need to see the others view as valid, that its true for them.  Let’s be curious.  How amazing, we’re so different.

What happens in mixed neurotype relationships?

Erin Findley, who comes from an Emotionally Focused Therapy lens did an excellent talk I’ll share the link to below.. she encourages CURIOSITY too … Starting with openness about brain types.. ‘hey how does your brain do that?’  She’s so curious.  We all have different brains..  the information from one will help the other!   

Secondly Sensory needs and issues.. smells etc. and sex – touch – sometimes a light touch can feel like knives, sexual caress can be very difficult, it gets overlooked, one might like deep pressure, another light.  Neither is wrong, it’s just how our bodies feel.

Processing language..  I don’t say much with deep implied hidden meaning.. what you see is what you get.   Others might be more flowery, we need to back up as the other might not use language like that.  You might explore interesting differences in communication style (direct vs indirect, different assumptions about social rules and norms.  Sarcasm. Pragmatics of small talk).  Information transfer is different.   Differences in Focus – Camera – NT tend to look out, ND tend to details, NT on process, ND on content (nouns/verbs).  It makes sense that ND folk get frustrated with NT wooly indirect, don’t say it as you mean, fit in to the norm conversation.  Fascinating differences of perspective.  Assumptions  Perspective.   Look at my picture!  What do you see?  A tree?  What else?

IFIO is really slow – look at the sentence not the essay.  My brain goes fast, but for those with a slower pace that can be difficult.  Check in.  Have I got this right?   Is there any more?

Something about different neurotypes being together  - the pain can go both ways.  We often blame the other for our pain.  Erin Findley suggests keeping an antennae up about how the other shows up how they might be different to what you think.

Be curious be curious.. 

If it isn’t the way you think and youre trying to get them to experience and show their core emotions in the way that you think, then that’s a set up for failure, and you’re perpetuating ableist ideas.   

Lots of double checking.  When you look at me like that… what’s happening in you? So you can calibrate that’s what’s happening, especially if the persons face doesn’t move in the way that the other person is expecting.  Or their tone.  What I’m expecting to hear is not what you’re doing.  Not because you’re feeling coldness, just I expect you to sound warm.  Check in. Ask each other to share those experiences.  Help each other calibrate.

Expectations and emotional needs clash in most relationships.   Each may have a different set of these.  The wonderful thing about IFS and IFIO is that these help you increase your interpersonal skills, the focus on safety, you can repair the relationship if you’re both willing to work on it, you’re willing to differentiate and then return.

Conclusion

My IFS colleague Natasha Oswold works with autistic folk and she writes ‘for autistic clients and their neurotypical family members, IFS has helped reduce anxiety and worry, increase self esteem, improve mood and create a more helpful outlook on life’

Autistics and other ND folk have often an easier time communicating with own parts, and if we have internal secure attachment inside, and learn communication inside then that can be transferred outside with other people. 

So, to finally conclude.  None of us are broken, neurodiversity is just like in nature.  However, we  might all benefit from some nervous system regulation, with u turns and unloading legacy burdens.  Forming secure internal attachment and basking there.  Then returning outside and making the choice of what needs to happen each moment, and to have courageous conversations, one at a time.  Me and my activist parts are asking us all to step up, to be brave and accountable, look at our own cultural and familial legacy burdens and parts.  I believe we can do this in Stroud, this amazing community in this town, in this room, it’s been growing, this Self Energy, I can feel it, can you?    Let’s unearth and celebrate the beauty in the way neurodivergent folk think and experience the world. As Sarah Bergenfield says she feels ‘the view from here is a fine one’

Thanks so much all.