IFS and Internal Polarisations
Polarization occurs when parts of ourselves become strongly divided and create internal conflicts. This will often create a feeling of being stuck or torn between two or more often deeply opposing urges or beliefs. Being overwhelmed, or torn between conflicting desires. In this talk/set of notes we’ll look at first understanding internal polarizations in IFS therapy. What causes internal polarizations? How can we help this inner conflict, this inner tug of war? How can we work with conflicting parts? How to resolve internal polarizations using IFS therapy.
I would really like to emphasise that your system makes sense, however at war the parts seem to be. With you at the centre, we can meet these warring and often young factions with compassion and curiosity, hopefully make sense of their tug of war, their entrenched views…. and find clarity! They’re often just so relieved to know that actually everyone is on your side, on your team, they’re just going about it in fairly oppositional ways…
Ie you may have a part that desires success and achievement, while another part fears failure and holds back. Both might be protecting you from feeling shame, or the feeling of not good enough… does that make sense to you?
Oftentimes there are parallels between the individual's internal system, the system of their family of origin and other systems in their current life.
Here below is the talk of this topic at the Stroud IFS Drop In:
FAMILY: A key distinction of IFS is the discovery that the complex dynamics and interactions formed among parts are similar to patterns seen in families and groups. Like people, parts can relate to each other in ways that are friendly, indifferent, or at odds. Some parts are in alliances, joining forces to promote a strategy or goal. Consider a manager … conflicts, hierarchies, and alliances exist to greater or lesser extremes among the parts, though the dynamics may not be obvious at first.Just like in family therapy and using systems principles, we can find ways to help them out of extreme positions in order to restore harmony and balance to the inner system as a whole. having Self at the helm can support the process beautifully, reducing the overwhelm
SYSTEMS we need to work with multiple parts systemically - when one part changes, it affects the system's status quo, sometimes with pushback from other parts, who must also be considered and addressed. Changes in either the external or internal system affect other parts of both systems. Dynamics in outer systems may parallel and heighten internal dynamics. Our systems seek balance. When one part is forced to adopt an extreme role, others attempt to balance it out by becoming more extreme in the other direction
I want to give you a metaphor here: sailors on a sailboat… hanging out one side will tip the boat one way, so get on the other… theres a fear of capsizing and everyone drowning.. there's no helmsman to keep the boat steady. Grim and neither side thinks it can afford to let go. Often, neither will drop its position until a captain emerges whom they both trust who can get them each to see the other more clearly and who can reassure them that it's safe to lean in simultaneously. In IFS, we aim to restore Self as the captain of the system.
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What is a polarisation
A polarization exists when two parts (or groups of parts) oppose or compete with each other to the point where each side's access to Self becomes increasingly constrained as their struggle intensifies. Both fear that the other side will win or take over. In this classic power struggle, each side is committed to its own agenda or strategy and becomes increasingly convinced that the other side has any merit whatsoever. Remember parts have their own viewpoints and will bring in evidence to support them. For each side they are frantic - letting go would be disastrous so they dig deeper, in a vicious feedback loop
Polarizations serve three functions:
They provide balance with their power struggles.
They are trying protect exiles, albeit with very different strategies.
They provide distraction from something else going on inside.
Types of Polarizations NB It’s a good idea to know a little about IFS categories.. maybe you can go have a look up… but don’t get hung up on it, I think you’ll get the idea
Manager-Manager Polarization
The ways in which a manager-manager polarization plays out depend on which managers step forward. In their desire to preemptively protect the person from feeling vulnerable, one manager may advocate active measures, whereas another wants to build a wall to keep threats out.
I use the example of my own process choosing to video these talks – I have Internal Managers who want to get the info out, so others will understand, I’ll belong and I won’t feel alone, another Manager who wants me to be admired and not criticised, …. And yet I have other Managers who say “what are you doing?! Sit down and keep still, you’ll get criticised” and another who actively critisises me “ Who do you think you are, you’re no good. Look you made x mistakes” (to stop me publishing the video so I won’t feel shame). Clever huh?
Ie…
Manager 1: Sit back and observe
Manager 2: please everyone so no one's upset.
Manager-Exile Polarization
Need to say here that its NORMAL to have needs and desires to be close to each other. We live in a world where needs are often shamed or hidden…
Exiles – the feeling-full ones - are often chronically neglected, and some become extremely needy - their desperation scares managers.
Imagine managers who strive for strength and independence and who have little tolerance for vulnerability in themselves or others. Their message is “ Lets keep that little one down..”
In my videoing example – a Manager wants you all to see me being strong and articulate and not showing any vulnerability at all. I had to speak with this Manager, who was initially not at all ok to let me tell you that I have one inside that has needs and is fearful
Exile: I'm scared and lonely. I've got to get someone to take care of me.
Manager: No way. I'm building a wall so no one will see how weak you are.
Manager-Firefighter Polarization
The typical dynamic is between managers and firefighters. Managers and firefighters are common enemies, Firefighters douse or dissociate, they rage and blame others. They want to a person out of control, whereas managers are trying to keep the person under tight control. It’s a vicious cycle that repeats and escalates, with managers shaming (internal critic or anticipatory scout) … this activated Exiles, which energizes firefighters trying to quash the exile flames… which alarms managers, and so on.
Managers often hold the rules, the generational bias’ and the rebel on the other side
So.. a part that holds bias and another part that is anti-biased, or a part that indulges and a part that restricts. The inner shaming and distress from these battles can escalate rapidly, causing more internal damage and possibly inviting outsiders to weigh in.
My videoing example– parts of me were feeling vulnerable about videoing… so it came to me I might like a cigarette as I saw someone smoking one, I used to be a smoker… mmmmmn push down that anxiety …. But my Manager had a real go at me about how I shouldn’t… But it would be so good…. the battle raged
Firefighter: yikes a feeling - lets drink something to feel better or smoke or go into fantasy.
Manager: Disgusting!
Firefighter-Firefighter Polarization
Some firefighters are loud and others want to zone out. Sometimes these can set up an internal battle. Shall we rage at someone? Or walk out? Or go to the pub and drown sorrows? Firefighters may argue about what kind of strategy to employ in dealing with exile pain.
So, in my example… shall I scroll and keep my head down, in advance of the scary videoing, zone out instead of my cigarette? Or displace some feelings by having a rant at someone? Different Firefighters have different views on how to keep down the vulnerability….
Firefighter 1: zone out and forget
Firefighter 2: Warrior mutiny lets blame them and show whos boss
Firefighter- Exile Polarization
Some firefighter reactions to exiles' pain make it so that the exile never gets heard. The exile may be pacified temporarily with the firefighter's coping strategy, but it still yearns for liberation.
Exile: ow
Firefighter: I'll drown you out with food.
Exile- Exile Polarization
Though all exiles feel vulnerable and need to have their stories told, their levels of trust and attachment styles may cause them to react in very different ways once they break through the protective layers.
In my example - I know both of these feelings, to go and sit quietly and hide a bit… or to get reassurance and more reassurance. (and the reminder that we all need each other, connection and community are healthy needs… but sometimes these are burdened ones who are so scared and grab for attention)
Exile 1: I can't bear being alone. I'm afraid I'll die.
I've got to grab on… need you…
Exile 2: Scared.. it's better to stay invisible.
Goals of Working with Polarizations
The IFS goal to harmonize and balance with Self in the lead … Improving communication between the parts and Self.
Helping polarized parts see that their tug-of-war isn't working but they have something important in common: the welfare of the client.
Getting permission down the line to connect with the exiles that polarized parts are protecting Its hard for the protectors to remain depolarized for long as so much is at stake. two steps forward, one step back
Working with polarized parts
1. Cultivating Curiosity and Compassion:
Mapping parts or inviting them round an extendable kitchen table in your mind can help track who the major players are, either individually or as polarized groups inside, inviting them to express their concerns, desires, and fears. By approaching each part with an open mind and non-judgmental attitude, you can start building a trusting and empathetic relationship with internal family members.
2. Facilitating Dialogue between Parts:
once you’ve identified conflicting parts, facilitate a dialogue between them. Ask each part to express its intentions, concerns, and fears. Encourage an open conversation where each part can listen to and understand the other's perspective. You as the mediator, ensuring that all parts feel heard and respected.
3. Acknowledging the Positive Intentions:
Every part within the internal system carries positive intentions, even if their methods or behaviours are counterproductive or conflicting. Let’s appreciate positive intentions behind each part's actions.
4. Nurturing Self-Leadership:
Self can provide stability, guidance, and a compassionate perspective that can help resolve conflicts and promote integration.
5. Unburdening and Healing Exiles:
further down the line you can release the emotional burdens held by their exiles and integrate experiences
6. Building Collaboration and Integration:
what is the common ground between polarized parts. How can we find a balanced approach that respects the needs and concerns of each part. Can you integrate the strengths and positive qualities of each
Lovely story about collaboration between polarised parts…. It can be a creative process Walt Disney used three processes (dreaming, planning, and criticism) The dreamer in him would visualize a new movie in great detail. The planner in him would then figure out how to make it happen. The critic would then examine the plan to find the flaws. The planner would either resolve the flaws or take the issue back to the dreamer to modify the original vision. After this process, Disney would step back, consider what these different voices in him had said, and make decisions from there.