This material is mainly taken from the excellent new book by Martha Sweezy -Internal Family Systems Therapy for Shame and Guilt (see picture below) I’ve doodled some stick figures to make it easier for me to visually understand some of the concepts - hope you find them helpful too.

So, this talk is only a tiny bit of Martha’s book – I highly recommend it – or listen to Christine Dixon of Ordinary Sacred talk you through a lot of it, in a series of videos. She’s great! https://www.youtube.com/@theordinarysacred6664

The talk was part of our Stroud IFS informed Drop In, September 2023. For more details see the Drop In page on my website https://www.stroudtherapy.com/monthly-drop-in

Firstly … I want to commend you for being here: Shaming originated from a word for HIDE in Scandinavian and yet here we all are! IFS and multiplicity makes it approachable and as safe as possible. I hope that it’ll come clear… every part of you makes sense. If you during this find yourself feeling strong feelings, the invitation here is to send your loving energy into those places, inviting any critical parts to give you a minute, and deflecting out or distracting parts too.. Maybe a hand on those places.. it can feel overwhelming… however, the more we understand about the shame cycle we can spot what’s going on… Unblend. there’s a beam of light … there’s a way through this. we can understand it. And we can help with all this.

What is shame from an IFS perspective? It’s Global identity - I AM BAD, unloveable, evil, too much, not enough… whereas guilt is .. my behaviour was not ok….and potentially… how can we repair the rupture.

Some people have taken on, “accepted the belief”, they feel they are worthless at their core, this is their identity… what Martha Sweezy and the IFS community believe - what’s important is that this is a burden, it was done to you… there is a part that has an experience of shamefulness … we protect ourselves in any way we can from that awful feeling. We all have inhibitory managers and disinhibited firefighters; it doesn’t make me a bad person.

Shaming – can it be beneficial? It’s Martha Sweezy’s view – and others too – that shaming an individual back fires – often spectacularly. For the individual and globally too. its Psychologically painful. Once it starts it becomes self generating… Self loathing and fear based, berate self and others, addictions. Make ourselves smaller, more of a hologram. So, we lock away parts and traits. What if there’s an alternative?

Authoritarian culture around us – shaming others is sanctioned: teachers, parents, siblings, institutional. Some would say, their intentions are often good Helpful way of keeping people on right path Social mechanism to keep folk in line, helping us survive socially. However … it’s Magical thinking to assume that my intent will govern your experience. Only my behaviour matters to you. What do you feel when shamed? You feel hurt.

NB Guilt prosocial and reparable. Shame not useful for individuals, though for groups it helps us follow group norms. It’s important to feel guilt, we don’t want that to go away, want to repair, stay in relationship…otherwise I’ll be isolated and alone. Guilt that is deserved is adaptive. But check it out - Someone tells us we ought to do xyz… maybe take a breath here - should I? … am I responsible for this person, ie my parent? That’s likely maladaptive if no transgression. not deserved, it harms them and doesn’t help the relationship

The Six Acts of the Shame Cycle

1. Something bad happens. Authority figure shames you. What is wrong with you? You made me feel xxx. Interpersonal but child is passive. Words or actions. ALSO Neglect, abuse, physical verbal sexual. Sends message. Your exuberance, joy, anger… not welcome. It’s not just your behaviour that’s not ok… YOU are bad you are wrong

2. Acceptance. I am bad. Child believes it. Takes in burden. Takes as identity. Yes I am worthless. Unloveable. A mistake. I’m too much. Too little. Evil. Weak. Accepts judgement and believes I am shameful. Adaptive for a child to internalise badness, the world is safe and good, it’s me that’s bad

Curtain. Some people not even aware of this. Predates by years! Not aware of problems issues happening now.

Acts 3-6 different orders and polarise with each other. This is the culmination of the wound, how the child has been hurt - to protect them

3. Inner critics go large. Proactive Manager. Self blame. Somethings wrong with me. That’s true you are bad. . Mimics the external Shamer - you’re so.. xxx. I’m unloveable. Core fears. Hold child responsible. Wants to improve child, act differently or lie low Exuberance, sexuality, anger sadness quietness self agency
If you suppress yourself. Make yourself smaller this part says then that’ll save you as a whole. You’ll belong, you’ll be loved. Considered worthy. If you just get that part to go down. But it’s Instrumental shaming. Has positive pro social intent but so hurtful. Take control in dangerous situation. Now 2 parts. Shamer and shamed.

4. Anticipatory scouts. Never again motto. Manager again. Reputation. Hide. Do it right. Eyes bothout and in. Afraid of criticism from others and from internal managers. I’m never going to let the system be susceptible to that pain again. Also want to improve system. Take control. Surviving by belonging. Self Generating. Pro social intent, diligently but effects not good. Keeps everything locked up. Keeps us hiding and often anti social from others or firefighters. Hologram better this part is saying

5. The warrior mutiny. Firefighters. Distract and deflect from shame and focus outwards. You are bad, it’s not me. Diminishing them by comparison. Reboot self esteem. Control external environment and keep exiles at bay Turn painful shame inside and push it out onto others/you. Easier to manage that. No you are bad. External instrumental shaming. Active rebellious and disinhibited. Effects disinhibited but intent is pro social

6 Feel good Rescue team. Firefighters. Want you to feel better by soothing. Numbing. Pleasure. Drink, fantasy, sex, shop. Often risk takers and they don’t worry about outcomes. Asocial outside - they don’t care about others outside. Often negative outside - poor relationships, can’t show up, can’t be counted on. And… a massive tug of war with internal and external critics and other’s warrior mutiny!

There’s an EXIT we have within us an innate antidote to shame and burdened parts… connection with our Self. Compassion for protective parts, loving them up… and going and witnessing and reparenting the hurt child holding a burden, letting go of the burden. People mainly come to therapy as they are struggling with one or more of the Acts 3-6. We can help them befriend parts and get to know their good intentions… eventually they reveal acts 1 and 2. These come out last as so vulnerable. So much pain. This is the root - why everyone is working so hard. What’s new about IFS? Interactiveness between parts, its a system. Facilitating the relationship inside … How do you feel towards this part, that part… Many therapies used multiplicity .. and this is a good one for access to experience relationship with parts and have compassion for them The Answer is compassion. There is an exit from suffering. Its built in to every one of us.

What happens if you’’re hurting. There’s something that’s happened, maybe between you and another, it feels like shame… and you recognise you’re hurt. Martha Sweezy suggests you put on your oxygen mask… noticing… ouch that hurt.. Take a few breaths. Comfort vulnerable parts before the shamers both outwards and inwards come in, before a part takes action by soothing or taking out by drink/drugs/scrolling. Noticing there’s a part wanting to react. The invitation here is to connect with it, hi, I see you! .. It’s ok guys. Relax! I’m here We don’t have to deal with this right now. I need space to take care of part that’s hurting. When that part feels better we can decide how to respond. How about giving me a minute with the one inside who’s hurting… then we can see how we want to respond…there is a different way… Invitation to a small experiment, trust me… lets unblend. We want to find exiles and love them up. Witness, reparent and redo process. Compassion.

What to do if you realise you’ve transgressed and hurt someone… maybe your warrior mutiny has caused a rupture with your child, your spouse, your friend. There’s such a fab TED talk by Becky Kennedy. https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy She reminds us its never too late.. Get good at repairing ruptures. Go back to that moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behaviour and acknowledging the impact on someone. Repair is different to an apology )(which can shut down a conversation). Repair opens up conversation. Assumes there’s been a rupture. Try and remind myself that I am focusing on getting good at repair. Yes we can keep the memory of a painful experience but in a safer relationship – event remains, but the story changes,… then you change. With repair you change the past. i’m a good parent (identity) who was having a bad time (behaviour) and I can use energy to repair and what to do differently next time. Name what happened, take responsibility, state what you’ll do differently next time. Life long story averted… blame.. safety and connection.

Finally… What alternatives are there to shaming? Becky Kennedy has a book on this, self led conscious parenting. Non violent communication. Not just more respectful but gives better results. Healthy human beings and relationships. We can ask rather than demand, can be curious, might let that part of them come out and through naturally. Compassion, calm, playfulness. Magic can happen..