So this year we’ve been looking at Martha Sweezy’s Six Acts of the Shame Cycle. Today we’re going to focus on the Rescue Team. However, I’m going to bring together the work of Cece Sykes, Martha Sweezy and Dick Schwartz and add a triangle to the cycle! We’re going to look at Addictive Processes. For info - in the video I mention the meditation we did … it was a guided meditation by Cece, asking you to look through a tv screen at the part of you/you partaking in a soothing/comforting activity… whilst being pushed back by another part. Also noting the vulnerabilities underneath. I’ve put two meditations at the bottom of these notes.. the one from Cece we did in the Drop In and another from the book I mention on numerous occasions.

To recap.. The shame cycle can be found in Martha Sweezy’s book. You can find lots of notes and videos in previous Drop In talks/notes on my website in the news section.. Christine Dixon of the Ordinary Sacred also looks at these - and a lot more - in a series of youtube videos she did. The cycle is as follows:

1. Something bad happens. Authority figure shames you. What is wrong with you? You made me feel xxx. Interpersonal but child is passive. Words or actions. ALSO Neglect, abuse, physical verbal sexual. Sends message. Your exuberance, joy, anger… not welcome. It’s not just your behaviour that’s not ok… YOU are bad you are wrong

2. Acceptance. I am bad. Child believes it. Takes in burden. Takes as identity. Yes I am worthless. Unloveable. A mistake. I’m too much. Too little. Evil. Weak. Accepts judgement and believes I am shameful. Adaptive for a child to internalise badness, the world is safe and good, it’s me that’s bad

2. Curtain. Some people not even aware of this. Predates by years! Not aware of problems issues happening now.

Acts 3-6 different orders and polarise with each other. This is the culmination of the wound, how the child has been hurt - to protect them

3. Inner critics go large. Proactive Manager. Self blame. Somethings wrong with me. That’s true you are bad. . Mimics the external Shamer - you’re so.. xxx. I’m unloveable. Core fears. Hold child responsible. Wants to improve child, act differently or lie low Exuberance, sexuality, anger sadness quietness self agency
4. Anticipatory scouts. Never again motto. Manager again. Reputation. Hide. Do it right. Eyes both out and in. Afraid of criticism from others and from internal managers. I’m never going to let the system be susceptible to that pain again. Also want to improve system. Take control.

5. The warrior mutiny. Firefighters. Distract and deflect from shame and focus outwards. You are bad, it’s not me. Diminishing them by comparison. Reboot self esteem. Control external environment and keep exiles at bay Turn painful shame inside and push it out onto others/you. Easier to manage that. No you are bad. External instrumental shaming. Active rebellious and disinhibited. Effects disinhibited but intent is pro social

and where we’re focusing today…

6 The Feel good Rescue team. These are Firefighters. Want you to feel better by soothing. Numbing. Pleasure They drink too much, use drugs excessively, smoke cigarettes, gobble soothing foods, and generally take risks without concern for what we might call side effects or unintended outcomes. They mean to be helpful inside, and they are asocial interpersonally-they don't care about others—but the effects of their behaviour tend to be antisocial and negative. Often negative outside - poor relationships, can’t show up, can’t be counted on.

The firefighters who engage in these behaviours are internally focused, rebellious, and active. Often result in a massive tug of war polarisation with internal and external critics and other peoples warrior mutiny! And the vulnerable ones get ignored..

So I’m now going to introduce you to the Addictive processes framework… I invite you to look up Cece Sykes https://www.cecesykeslcsw.com/ and her youtube/ spotify/apple talks Her book is great, she’s written it with Martha Sweezy and Dick Schwartz.

Her number 1 point is that we treat a system not a symptom Not to excuse but there’s always a reason for someone’s drinking/drugs etc

So here’s Cece’s triangle which is similar to the shame cycle, they work ok together.:

The triangle – Blame, Flame, Shame…

Fragile, underlying exiles feel deficient, inadequate, and abandoned for any number of reasons, both historical and present-day— activate due to external interactions or challenges in the client's life. (so in Martha’s cycle… Act 2)

Managers ignore or try to contain these vulnerable parts by getting busy, concentrating on tasks or the needs of others, keeping the client in their head, or using criticism to goad the exile into improving and becoming acceptable. (Acts 3 and 4)

Noting the exile's distress and shamefulness, firefighters take over, using substances and various practices (whatever it takes!) to mask or medicate emotional pain. Acts 5 and 6.

Exiles feel sick, degraded, fearful, and isolated. back to Act 2. At which point.. Managers mobilize again: Task managers frantically mobilize to get operations back on track in hopes of regaining fleeting control and self-respect AND/OR Attitude, critical, moralizing managers attack, vilify, and shame firefighters for their repeated transgressions. Acts 3 and 4..

… so… Firefighters from act 6 return to the addictive practice again (something, anything!) to further medicate the pain, block out the shame, and deny consequences. Act 5 (ts not my fault its yours..)

Which leads to…. Vulnerable exiles, unsought and unwanted, feel abandoned again, which reinforces their sense of being hopeless and unlovable. The cycle continues ad infinitum

…….

What if we could do it differently? The healing is in the relationship - both inside and out.

From the book…. Addictive processes affect people's body, mind, and spirit. When people engage in compulsive, repetitive use of substances or practices like gambling, porn, high-risk sex, and over- or under-eating, it affects their physical health, reconditions their brain, and generates despair. Intimate relationships suffer, families break up, and communities fragment.

Cece Sykes, Martha Sweezy, the IFS community…. We’re talking a paradigm shift.

Cece invites you to consider the word ADDICT … what comes up for you around that word? What parts come up just noticing.. schools churches, families.. parts of us.. criminal behaviour… others see emotional impact. She notes that mainstream treatment models, are heavily skewed toward confronting the ‘addict’ and challenging their denial, She argues that there’s now a suggestion of relationally engaging your inner system and healing attachment disruptions and other traumas that activate addictive behaviours in the first place.

But surely this will enable them.. say sterner voices… we need to keep addict contained…12 steps helps many. providing relationships, community. But not all. Sometimes the rooms can be controlling and punitive.. it depends on the meeting! Cece reminds us that there’s now the IFS 12 steps..also we have psychotherapy.. no longer is it so black and white. In our culture there is enormous stigma – against drug users. Invitation to work with our own systems… notice and do your own u turn… our own controlling judgemental critical – socially acceptable but does so much harm.

Cece’s focus is not about treating behaviours… treat what happened in past. Most people with extreme systems will have high ACE scores. There will be trauma.. Cece invites you to imagine a child.. traumatic event… parents drinking, tv kicked… Two of many outcomes: one the child receives emotional nurturing… vs ….the other scenario, the child is ignored, parents pretend nothings happening, there is no explanation, comfort, connection.. What parts help that child have breakfast the next day, help them to go to school … these protective parts become hard working… Perfectionism… get in fights… booze.. cope.. process… Its not happening overnight. Some go on diets at aged 6 to help control some aspect of life.. Some others hyperfocus on relationships.. Women are socialised to be caretakers.. Compulsive parts use strategies that may have worked well for past emergencies but are costly now in the present

Inviting you to think of addictive processes as a chronic polarity.. Start to think of big picture.. big teams… all the parts that put you first help you escape… and all the ones.. comply, show others that you obey the rules. Attitude managers, most likely self contempt, loathing. Vs Parts saying…I do this to turn off my brain.. Exile.. healthy desires to be loved cherished but so often these have burdens of shame, hurt, loneliness.

What am I supposed to do now?

What would it be like to meet with that young child who witnessed or was abused… abandoned exploited. Can we help?

Look at our patterns. Inviting you to consider the shame cycle = or Cece’s triangle… I feel lonely.. shame.. dismissed…so I’ll do better in the world, be more perfect or pretend to be x… but then I feel less seen.. then parts will take me out… what if there’s a new way.

IFS … contra intuitive. Instead we create a strong self to part connection… 3 legged stool. Treat whole need to deal with the critic, can’t just take away the ff as there’ll be another one just behind.

As a therapist I’d speak with a client who’s managers have brought them to therapy….

You want to change.. I support your vision, it is not my goal to take it away.. not to change.. help you build a relationship with your parts. Regulation. relax attachment.. how do you feel towards part. Attunement I want to get to know you and all your parts,accept you as you are… paradigm shift. You are much more complex than you seem. What did you need you didn’t have.. emotionally physically Cece reminds us that if we relapse…we never go back to square one… square 30… all parts of the story, they get to be here… The goal is to get in relationship not in control.

My job as therapist is to speak honestly.. speak for the part…Its disingenuous to say I’m just here to help you. We’re not just gushing love.. Cece says she often says to clients.. I’m noticing the stakes getting higher.. I have parts getting scared for you.

Change occurs in a welcoming regulated system not judgement.

What environment do you need to make a good choice 9th C. how we present something important

So as therapist I normalize internal differences, note shared goals, and guide the client to get between parts who are in conflict and get them to negotiate.

I’m going to pop in here a bit about neurodifferent folk … many of us use addictive processes as our software firefighters. In response to masking, or rejection sensitiivity… medicating trauma.. monotropic hyperfocus means we might get locked into that game, or that person, or into fine wines etc.. Differences in dopamine GABA etc mean different executive functioning challenges and impulse control. There’s some good work done by MegMartinez Dettamanti and Candice Christiansen.. Also look up the work of Viv Dawes. autism advocate. Devon Price also speaks a lot about addiction and neurodivergent folk, specifically Autistics.

In the video I spend a time naming that I’ve realised my mother was also neurodivergent and how her overwhelm, obsession/hyperfocus, rejection sensitivity etc caused her to turn to extreme addictive processes which ultimately ended her life. I mention I realise now I didn’t treat her at the end of her life with the compassion and relationship and I am working to process that, that I work to forgive myself. What I want to say is that this is me in adulthood having spent years in therapy and in 12 step programmes - that its only recently as a late diagnosed / peer reviewed AuDHDr, I have looked at my own family with new eyes. that I didn’t understand that part of the picture of my upbringing were my family neurodifferences - as well as my parent’s own trauma/CPTSD. Specifically here, my mother’s neurology as well as her parts. I wanted to pass on that my managers blended with me and blamed and shamed her for her extreme behaviours. In no way am I implying that the injury caused to my siblings and I as children and adults was ok and I am not implying that any of you should go straight to compassion, that we go straight past the hurt and upset and anger that naturally will come up in therapy, having grown up with physical, emotional abuse/neglect, whatever it is you grew up with. Much of therapy is about grieving and attending to the burdens and identities we take on as children raised in homes with abuse and neglect.

Finally… this is taken from Cece, Martha and Dick’s book …. I hope its really helpful to you!

Common behaviours of manager parts in addictive systems

• Blaming critic: Attacks firefighters with hostility and contempt

• Shaming judge: Evaluates firefighter behaviors as immoral or bad

• Perfectionist: Is terrified of mistakes and assumes only one way is correct

• Logical rationalist: Analyzes what to do by considering facts, not emotions

• Intellectual: Prefers talking about problems instead of taking action

• Fixer: Assumes personal responsibility for other people's actions or problem

• Striver: Is highly competitive and demanding with self and others

• Rescuer: Prevents other people from experiencing the natural consequences

Caretaker excessive concern for others feelings

• Over-giver: Is generous to a fault and struggles with boundaries

• Know-it-all: Is always right and wants things done their way

• Controller: Attacks firefighters and anyone else who doesn't conform to norms

COMMON MANAGER CHARACTERISTICS IN ADDICTIVE SYSTEMS

• They are responsible, compulsive workers who get tasks completed and value being productive and good. (The part may say: This is the real me.)

• They care about appearances and make efforts to seem legitimate, valuable, and normal.

• They are chronically anxious and vigilant. They can't relax or trust anyone— not the Self, firefighters, nor exiles—so they are very self-reliant.

• They work overtime to prevent exiles and firefighters from taking over by engaging in hostile, shaming, and blaming behavior.

• They operate from the neck up and minimize or dismiss feelings.

Common Manager fears

• Fear of the chaos and unpredictability created when firefighters are in action

• Fear that feelings of shame and worthlessness will flood the internal system especially after firefighter activity

• Fear that the Self is not strong enough to help firefighters, often doubting that the Self exists

• Fear that secrets, old memories, and painful emotional wounds will be exposed and reinjured

Fear that nothing will change

Common behaviour of FF parts in addictive systems

• Alcohol use

• Prescription or street drug use

• Disordered eating (bingeing, purging, comfort eating, or restricting)

• Sexual preoccupation, chronic sexual fantasizing, or sexual risk-taking

• Self-harm (cutting, head banging, etc.)

• Suicidal ideation or attempts

Gambling/overspending

• Rage, violence, exploitation, or abuse of others

• Dissociating, tuning out, getting "lost," or lacking awareness of the present

• Fantasizing about idealized images of success, power, or perfect relationships

Common FF characteristics

• They are chaotic, out of control, and driven to keep using.

• They are both impulsive (unthinking and unconcerned about consequences) and compulsive (have no sense of choice).

• They are complex-can be either soothing or distracting in ways that are grossly overstimulating.

• They are heroic in that they don't back down, even under fire; they will take a bullet for the system.

• They are narcissistic, self-absorbed, and concerned primarily with the emotions and unmet needs of certain parts in the client's system.

• They are resistant to feedback and will avoid noticing or listening to the impact of their behaviour on the client and others. In turn, they will also deny, hide evidence, and minimize (by lying) about how much the client is using.

• They are committed and will stay on the job until they're convinced that exiles are safe enough.

Common FF fears

• Fear that the hopelessness and despair of exiles will flood the system and cause a functional collapse

• Fear that managers will be exhaustingly shaming and inhibiting, and that may evoke a suicidal part

• Fear that the hopelessness and despair of exiles will flood the system and cause a functional collapse

• Fear that managers will be exhaustingly shaming and inhibiting, and that they may evoke a suicidal part

• Fear that managers will accommodate other people too much

• Fear that the therapist, manager parts, family members, partners, and so on will control the client in detrimental ways

Meditation we did in the Drop In… from Cece

Cece guided.. map the system

Take a few breaths… invite to shift.. and close your eyes.

Start to think of your inner system… when you’re ready.. let your parts know theres not a right or wrong thing… you can ignore my voice if it doesn’t feel right.

I invite you to think about one of your soothers, distractors, parts… that one of your other parts thinks you should cut back a bit, too late at night, too often, spending too much on it.. a part that on occasion gets a bit of pushback… eating, drinking, Netflix… comforting you notice you want to do… shop too much, sports betting.. can be the simplest thing, it doesn’t have to be the hardest thing, something you used to do. When you’ve chosen.. there’s more than one

Invitation to watch this part of you through a tv screen participating in that activity… on the sofa, or at the fridge, on your phone.. sitting with a drink or two… getting high. Watch the part, the facila expression, the body language.. is the face of your part relaxed or stimulated and alert.. flat and tuned out.. how about your body.. relaxed, tense? Activation? Pleasure? Comfort? Just noticing… You can let that part know you’re witnessing it, you’re aware of it. Ask that part how its trying to help you. What does it want you to know. What would its fears be if it could never do this again?

Take a breath, let the part know you’ve heard it, you’re taking it in.. appreciate what its sharing with you. You may have already noticed, or if not I invite you to notice, the part of parts that push back a little.. that criticise it.. too much too little, its too late, too early, you’re too old for this, you should have a handle on it.. that sort of language.. it might almost feel audiotry that you might hear these messages… or you might have a visual of those opinions. Let those parts know you know about them. Ask them what are they afraid would happen if they didn’t come on so strongly, so hard.. on the parts and their practices… listening.. if they saw, if there was a safe way that we could help the other part, learn its intention, so it could use its energy in a different way, would that help those managers to tone down. What if you could help that part, learn more about it, how its trying to help. You may notice some tender parts, exiles.. feeling shame, loneliness,, not good enough, you can let those parts know you know they are there. Who gets ignored when you’re getting involved in this other debate.. let those parts know you’re going to work on this and that you’re available to the tender ones too.

When you’re ready to grab your paper and draw yourself a triangle.. put down what you’ve noticed Any firefighters that you’ve noticed, any managers. Who are weighing in and any tender vulnerable parts that seem to be coming up around this. Write down any fears, intentions, what they are fearing if they can’t do it.

Meditation - what if the soothing activity was to be banished from your system?

The purpose of this exercise is to notice and identify which parts of you activate when you are permanently deprived of a favourite activity or behaviour. This will help you understand the reluctance and fear many clients exhibit when they are told they must get sober or never engage in a particular activity ever again. Remember that all parts serve a purpose, and for clients with addictive processes, the prospect of banning a soothing or distracting firefighter can be frightening.

First, get comfortable. You can lie on the floor or sit up if you prefer. Begin by focusing on your breathing, If it feels comfortable, put one hand over your heart and the other on your belly. Take a few moments to breathe deeply into these two emotional centers. When you're ready, think of an activity you particularly enjoy. It might be something like watching funny movies, cooking, eating a favorite food, exercising, walking in the woods, or reading. Don't choose an activity or food item that is controversial for your system. Pick one that brings you genuine enjoyment without any conflict attached to it.

Now, watch yourself engaging in this activity. Notice your facial expressions and body language. When you're ready, connect to the part associated with this behavior. How much does it enjoy engaging in this behavior? How important is the behavior to the part? Perhaps it feels very important, somewhat important, or even unimportant.

Then ask the part if it is willing to play a game that may cause some distress but will teach you some important information. If it agrees, say that the game is beginning, and tell the part that it can never engage in this favorite behavior again. Not ever. If the part tries to negotiate for more time with this behavior, be very firm and insist that the behavior can never happen again. It is completely over.

Notice any reactions to this news in your body, including any thoughts as you say,

"No, never again." If any parts protest to the ban, tell them they are bad if they can't agree to stop the behavior. You may notice some activation in your belly that feels

Finally, reassure all your parts that this was just an experiment and that it is actually fine for them to continue doing what they enjoy. Notice what that statement feels like in your body, including any thoughts or comments that come up. Take a few minutes to write about your experience. How did this experiment in deprivation feel to your system? What was it like for your parts to be told what to do and to have no recourse? How did it feel to be judged when they objected? Finally, how might this experience inform or support you in connecting with a client who comes to you for help with an addictive process?

*The concept for this exercise originated from IFS Senior Trainer Mary Kruger.