Well as you are no doubt aware this is a massive topic! I want to look at it from a number of perspectives, particularly from an IFS (Internal Family Systems) lens, ie parts work, and IFS and trauma, but this is really just scratching the surface. I also look from a couples therapy, trauma informed lens - Intimacy from the Inside Out and Gottman therapy so how IFS therapy helps with stonewalling/blanking in relationships. Hint - stonewalling is a protective part in IFS. Why do people stonewall? Why do we avoid and defend? Why do we - or parts of us - emotionally detach? Why do we build emotional walls internally and externally? So some of these stonewalling or defending behaviours might be around protecting and avoiding internally. Some of this is interpersonal, as the impact of a behaviour from another. In this talk we’re hoping to understand these avoiding, blanking, stonewalling parts of us with IFS therapy.

I want to just point out that we are all realising that the world is an increasingly unsafe place to be. War, environmental and climate emergency, dangerous war mongering, parts led leaders…What are our options? Many chose to poke their heads above the parapet and call out injustice, calling for a better way of living… but that is increasingly risky (some can’t help it, they point out injustice inspite of the personal negative consequences that might occur as others react)– many others are increasingly heading towards avoid/ignore/tune out. Its too painful Too dangerous. Grief filled. The reprisals too much. What can we do? Many of us choose to just put our heads down, get on with life… But the problem here is that our little ones, our vulnerable inner children, still sense and feel the danger. They need us. So even if its too much ‘out there’… We can individually do the healing… and we can collectively get into communities to do the collective healing. What do we have the courage to look at, to do, what can we not change..

So I’ll start with some polyvagal IFS… looking at the nervous system and then look from IFS and … then IFIO the IFS couples therapy I love so much. I’ll bring in some Gottman relationship theory, just for fun. And as I often do, a bit around Neurodivergence – both re personal avoidance of things and also interpersonal. Here below is the video I did for spiral learning… or keep reading below if you prefer notes..

(For the therapists amongst you I’d like to draw attention to the work of Joanne Twombly – Trauma and Dissociation Informed IFS; how to successfully treat complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders. She also has some great interviews on IFS Talks. I refer to her a lot and use in my own work. Dissociation is a massive topic and I can’t do it justice here). https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/76734893-trauma-and-dissociation-informed-internal-family-systems

Firstly, in terms of our nervous system. I invite you to go look/listen to the work of Deb Dana who combines IFS and polyvagal theory beautifully. https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/polyvagal-meets-ifs-talk-deb-dana Here is a diagram I made from one of her talks. The important thing is that we would ideally like to flow between states.. we all go through iterations of each of these throughout the day going about our day. She talks of each of us having a home from home… where we naturally go to (as a result of genetics/neurology etc). So mine .. I tend to sympathetic.. Others tend to hang out in a more quiet state. So some avoidance can obviously come from that activated, sympathetic, busy nervous state.… keeping busy to avoid. Controlling others on purpose, by the silent treatment, its active. Avoiding by ‘fleeing’. Dorsal. Which is where we’re mostly focusing today. Deb Dana says this is her home from home. This when its working beautifully the parasympathetic nerve is about rest, digest.. quiet. Slow. Loving being in solitude, happy alone. When in a survival state however.. its collapse, flop, submit, hide, deflect, and avoid etc. Freeze may look like like dorsal but it’s a combo, as muscles etc are alert.. and fawn is also both dorsal and sympathetic – it’s the shutting off from self, submission – but may be frantically ‘doing’ for someone in sympathetic. So check in with how your avoid/stonewall feels in your body.

From an IFS perspective ….

Firstly… There will be cultural and familial legacy burdens (British stiff upper lip… children should seen and not heard… who in your family went quiet, did one parent criticise and the other turn away/go quiet? Some will be what your parts learned to do to protect you from feeling vulnerable. …These avoiding parts can be both MANAGERS or FIREFIGHTERS … or both. I don’t know what’s in your system. Only you and your parts do!. So I’m wondering if you’d ask inside… a few questions…

Managers – these are the proactive parts… We’ve spent time this year looking at the parts mentioned in Martha Sweezy’s shame cycle … the Anticipatory Scouts ‘never again will I feel’ lonely, sad, shame etc…. do you have parts that avoid as a way of life? I’m not going to go out, I’m not going shopping, to that school reunion… Asking inside… 6 Fs…where are these parts in and around your body (can you hear or feel them? See them?) What do you notice? Might they notice you noticing them? Might they let you know… what are they trying to do for you? What are their hopes for you? What do they not want you to feel? Or to have happen to you? When did they first come in, can this one say how old you were?

Firefighters…. These are the reactive ones, whatever it takes to calm my nervous system down.. something has happened, someone’s done something or said something and you might feel hurt/upset inside, your nervous system has activated: your heart rate might be going up, muscles tensing… or indeed it might be internal., you might have thought something, there might be another part wanting to do something and an exile has been activated… Might you have any parts that use quitting, dissociation, turning away/stonewalling? Do you have parts that use silence to control or punish someone in some way maybe? Do you have parts that avoid to keep away from responsibllities or setting boundaries?

Again… asking inside… what are these parts helpfully trying to do for you? What are their hopes for you? What has just occurred that they want to squash down? When did they first come in, can this one say how old you were? OK so.. validating, getting to know them… Can they see you? How old to they think you are?

Exiles Exiles tend to hide away… these might want to avoid as they’ve not been seen. But … check inside… is this not the burden? The software virus? The identity that the child has taken on? The inner child within once met with the beautiful presence of you… your core essence… the you who is not a part… Maybe just maybe they’ll want to be in relatationship with you.

In couples therapy.. IFIO and Gottman

I tend to see quite a bit of pursuer distancer relationships… Intimacy from the Inside out is the couples version of IFS. One person often seeks closeness and connection, and the other tends towards independence and autonomy. Tension and resentment… both feel overwhelmed and misunderstood.

I’d like to remind you that these patterns are often modelled on behaviours / dynamics of parent’s relationships .. or the result of inconsistent caregiving, divource, attachment disruptions… attachment styles (just to confuse things…Just to add to the fun, different parts may have different attachment styles, also with different partners… secure, anxious, avoidant)

Just veering off IFIO… GOTTMAN Pursuers tend to use complaint, criticism or demand, maybe even get aggressive…(if contemptuous parts as the relationship progresses its not looking good). The distancers tend to defend and then distant.. stonewall the “protest polka,” There’s a really good Gottman leaflet, info … on The Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse. https://pbrcoaching.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Avoid-the-Four-Horsemen_2017.pdf There’s also lots of araticles and podcasts about reversing this if its come clip clopping into your relationship. for eg https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Gottman’s research on thousands of couples reveals that partners who get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80 percent chance of divorcing in the first four or five years. Without recognizing it, many pursuers come on stronger than they intend to, not realizing that being in the “pursuit mode” may cause their distant partner to withdraw even more. Likewise, by pulling back, a distancer may cause their pursuer partner to pursue more vehemently. Gottman found that men tend to withdraw and women tend to pursue when they are in intimate relationships.

Id like to finish up here around Neurodivergence.. relationships between different neurotypes …both individual and interpersonal

Inidividual – and please know if you’ve met one autistic person… you’ve met one! We’re all different, our dials are all tuned up or down in different ways (btw I identify/ am a ‘peer reviewed’ AuDHDr which means I’m both). So,, Its often part of the autistic/ND Self to need a lot of solitude… this is not avoidance. Solitude is restorative.. I actually need time apart from everyone to be me, to meander… I’m not avoiding here. But I also have parts that avoid! There’s a wonderful diagram I’ve mentioned before .. and chapter in the book Altogether Us with Candice Christiansen and Meg Martinez around neurodifferences. I love it. Our neurology - hardware, our managers and firefighters - software our little burdened exiles – software viruses.…It becomes clear to me in my system that I have to retreat sometimes… that withdrawal often tends to stem from physiological overload (too hot/cold, noisy, bright etc) ..Procrastinating, avoiding may come from overstimulation or a lack of dopamine..I urge you to learn about this, especially if you have suffered in childhood, felt different, you’re struggling to fit in somehow… or you’re in relationship with someone who is neurodifferent to you… https://tammysollenberger.com/ifs-and-neuro-differences-with-candice-christiansen-and-meg-martinez/

I love the concept of the gestalt lpictures – like the bunny duck.. what do you see? Maybe I see the world as a bunny and you a duck. Neither are wrong we have amazing strengths but often we can butt up against others who experience the world differently. Our society isn’t set up for my neurodifferences for example and so it can be particularly exhausting for me.. hence the need for more solitude and rest.

Interpersonally with neurodifferences. ‘Avoidance’ may be an attempt to self regulate not reject the partner. Rejection sensitivity is a big thing. When your partner withdraws for a while… check and see if you’re feeling rejected – so you have a part that comes up and blames them? Sometimes (hopefully less often!) it may also be avoidance to face hard truth like wanting to end relationship but not wanting to hurt partner… or needing to admit something but too ashamed…

Great book – Neurodiverse couple therapy. A practical guide to brain informed care.. Kelli Murgado-Willard For any couples/ family therapists amongst you. Its an easy read I find, helpful exercises. https://loveallthebrains.com/

Neurodifferences… here are a few ideas from Kelli’s book… there’s so much more… some of us more impulsive, hyperfixated neurodivergent folk may also inadvertently emotionally smother, due to some of us having a lack of awareness about interpersonal boundaries, particularly mixed with CPTSD (maybe where parents neglect and the child becomes the caretaker?), the relationship may have become a hyperfixation, a special interest. (remember … there’s nothing wrong with you at your core… this is for those of us who were told we were ‘too much ‘ for our parents’…just sometimes interpersonally we may need some adaptions in connecting with others, inviting them to let us know when they can’t hear us any more, they are zoning out…). Kelli MW reminds us that the neurodifference difficuulties rarely have a malicious intent. (NB… Not talking here about the maybe more extreme end of diagnoseable narcissism/ self involved characteriistics). Many issues can be addressed by psychoeducation about healthy relationship dynamics, increasing both partners skills… Many of us need to learn how to not mask, so at home to be more ourselves, to say no. I have a short story with my son…I can be excitable and when I am I notice he withdraws. I was sharing something and he put his hand up and said stop… hes learning to say mum I love you, I need 10 minutes. I can feel rejected but remind myself this is my RSD, I’m ok, this is a learning between us. He’s not avoiding, hes just finding our interaction too much for him in that moment. I then celebrate our connection and feel proud he can do this).

Kelli MW offers that with neurodifferent couples often usual therapy interventions won’t work… a distancing ND partner needs extra support and skill building in Self regulation to feel comfortable initiating interpersonal connection if desired. We might need to modify our interpersonal habits. There’s increasing amounts of fabulous information out there, neuro affirming couples work, therapists trained to work with neurodifferences. They can be really fulfilling, if you can bring lots of curiosity.