Befriending narcissistic parts
Activation warning … this talk may activate parts of you… invitation for you to be here, the you that’s not a part, your Self… also inviting learning parts to be here,: any parts likely to be fearful or awoken strongly, you might consider inviting them to try an experiment to look at you, see if they can get you’re here, you’ve got this… or to be snuggling up to you, in your heart or put on noise cancelling headphones or head to a cosy room somewhere and hang there. Their choice.. The Video of me speaking about my journey, about 10 minutes, is embedded at the bottom of this set of notes. Just to let you know theres personal disclosure of some of my difficult family circumstances.
Firstly… I want to emphasise that this bit of our IFS drop in topic talk, is me musing about befriending narcissistic parts. How I have come to see how this has been really helpful in my own healing journey. How I lost my sense of Self as a small child and by befriending parts I’ve found me again. I’ve found my voice and my boundaries, I’ve found healthy narcissism.
Sarah Ann Trivet has written an article about it too, worth having a read maybe? https://counsellingbc.com/blog/rethinking-narcissism-invitation-examine-our-own-narcissistic-parts-ifs
Diagnostic manuals suggest narcissism is a disorder marked by a pattern of grandiosity, a chronic need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies of success and power, and a sense of entitlement. Interpersonally exploitative behaviour, arrogance, reacts negatively to criticism. Also… vulnerability to life transitions, difficulty with attachment and dependency. Chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom.
Just wanting to put it out here that this isn’t about extreme protectors, I have parts that get cross with how easy it is to label someone who might show some narcissitic traits. IFS non pathologizing and it’s the belief that all so called diagnoses can be worked with, it might be long work, but its possible to find Self and work with someone with extreme protectors. For this talk, I’m more focused on everyday narcississm if that makes sense!
In this talk I’m wanting to :
1. Shout out for healthy narcissism. The confidence and the clarity when actually we’ve done a good job and are proud of ourselves. We’ve befriended our parts and can speak for them. That our sunshine selves can come out and shine… we can be playful, spontaneous, joyful, Self-ful.
2. This talk is mainly an invitation to take a torch and go and look at our depths, do our shadow work, to do our U turns, in relation to our narcissistic traits, especially if parts are activated by someone else’s behaviour. Cece Sykes might say, “sure they sound like they’re not behaving well, wish we had a magic wand, but come on back to you”. I like the term, if my nervous system is strongly activated by the behaviour of another… ‘if its intense its yours’. (Those of us who have had much trauma/been around those with strong narcissistic parts will have a highly tuned radar. What I’ve learnt is some of my radar is spot on ‘red flag’ noticing… and often its my hypervigilant part telling me stories from the past, trying to keep a young version of me safe… or my warrior mutiny deflecting). Another …(a Chris Burris question.) what you project/ see in another.. true or not true.. why does it bother you? Our culture has a simplified narrative of good versus bad and we put “narcissists” firmly in the “bad” category. We can put them over there, we can “other” them… they are the bad ones… we deflect from ourselves “I am good”. This perspective can cloud our ability to reflect on our own behaviours. I’m offering this to you as an invitation for us all to examine what’s inside us, to unblend, to do our u turns, to look at our shadow. The negative discourse around narcissism can make it super hard for the rest of us, who might sometimes show narcissistic traits, to spot, and accept, these parts within ourselves. Better to deflect it out there (our blamer managers, our firefighting warrior mutiny) than to look at these parts in ourselves. But the portal to the next level is through the parts of yourself that you avoid. So… I invite you to U turn and when you see a behaviour in another, or experience a reaction… check and see by doing a firedrill what parts of you come up? These are the golden trailheads which lead to calm, clarity, presence. Putting in boundaries where needed, examining the untruths behind some of the ‘bad things’ that have happened to us. speaking for parts and not abandonning our inner children. Self isn’t all warmth and compassion… there’s clarity, courage and confidence too.
3. A whole bunch of you I’m sure will be going ‘i haven’t got any of those traits. I do the opposite - I go out my way to help people, I blame myself for everything, I’m self-less’.. I get it! There’s a really good article by Sofia Vasi about IFS and activated parts… https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse I highly recommend it. I’ve written a few paragraphs at the end for you.
So.. a bit about me (I have parts that are concerned you will see me as narcisstic when I say that lol). I’m mindful of my own journey, with an alcoholic mother, who was so blended with her own narcissistic parts I rarely saw the real her. Her Self was very hidden. My mum held all the power and the control. Chaos, dangerous. Everything revolved around her. Everything i did or said was challenged, made to be wrong. My siblings and I, had to go along with her rules or else… and then later blamed and judged her. When she got temporarily sober, when I was in my teens, I was “invited” to go to Al Anon and ACOA which is a 12-step program for friends and families of alcoholics. Parts of me resisted. Nothing wrong with me - it’s her, she’s the bad one … but over the next few years I was astonished to meet my own shadow. Much of Al anon, Codependents anonymous and Adult children of Alcoholics is about doing a u turn. it was a great introduction to parts for me. I’ve found I’ve taken to IFS from this encouragement to look at our our part in the dynamic with an addict or someone with narcissitic behaviours.
So, I’m inviting you to reevaluate the concept of narcissism with our model, Internal Family Systems (IFS)? Narcissistic traits or parts can be seen as protective parts of the psyche, standing guard to shield us the best way they know how. Their intentions are good. Their effects and impact on other people. not great.
So, checking inside… might you have a part that puffs you up a little? Do you have one that feels superior? Entitled? And/or one that says you’re good, better than others, there’s something special about you. I’m right, I’m better than, I deserve special treatment. One that has a bit of an ‘ego’? Or…. interestingly have you the opposite, way down the other end of the continuum… do you see yourself as one down, ‘less than’?
Do you have any controlling parts, that insist things are done your way? I certainly do. How about parts of you that might want to enact revenge/exploit someone? Have you parts that you label as ‘selfish?’ or, importatnly, conversely… do you see yourself as ‘selfless’? Lets get to know these parts… where are they in your body? What do they want for you? What’s it trying to do for you? Whats its hope? Its fears?
How about arrogance? Inability to apologise, to take responsibility for your part in some dynamic? Do you have a part that reacts negatively to criticism? Also then, how about looking a parts who have views around life transitions, aging, looks etc. How is it for you to be in relationship … how about dependency, interdependency? what comes up for you when I mention that? The invitation is to befriend these parts, not to push them away. Lets also meet the ones that don’t like them. Lets find the nugget of their mission/their hope for you. Their fears, they don’t want you to feel something vulnerable.
When we can explore all this – and I do suggest doing this with another so we can remember our Self Compassion – we’re doing this here in community - from a place of curiosity, shining the light of Self in these potentially dark places… maybe its not so dark after all.
I’ve gone inside and asked these parts what their intentions are for me… The ones that make feel feel puffed up, special, selfless.. They help me to avoid feeling the worthlessness, shame or powerlessness I did when I was a child. They try to shield me from excruciating feelings by making me feel more powerful and less small. I can see their good intentions and appreciate them a lot, but after more exploration… I can see clearly that their impact when I speak or act from these parts rather than for them, can lead to harm, affecting our relationships and hurting others.
Recognizing our own narcissistic parts doesn’t make us bad—it makes us human. Embracing the IFS perspective allows us to approach our own narcissistic parts with understanding and compassion. It encourages us to see these parts for what they truly are—protectors—and to heal the wounds they’re safeguarding.
An invitation then to pause the next time we see a narcissistic trait within ourselves or others. Remember, it is maybe a part trying to shield a vulnerability. Let’s self-reflect with compassion – maybe see if we can extend that to the ‘other’ too.. so we can cultivate healthier and more loving relationships with ourselves and others.
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You may have a reaction to this idea, my encouragement to look deeper; that you may indeed have these traits within you… that it’s human to have these traits, these traits are in most of us, just more extreme protectors in some one with strong ‘narcissistic’ protectors.…You might say… "no thats not me. I’m not like that”. It was them.. They are like that. I want to validate. Yes I see that. I get that. That was my experience too. (See Sofia Vasi’s really good article : IFS and overcoming narcistic abuse https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse).
Let’s look at the parts that have been affected by living with a narcissist. Your wonderful Self, your sunshine, your shining brightly was maybe too threatening for a parent/guardian/partner with strong narcissist protectors. So, your presence, joy, warmth, connectedness, creativity, courage, calm and clarity was not welcomed. Parents’ /guardians/lovers’ protectors distort perceptions and projections, protecting themselves they perhaps shamed you. Little you may have found it dangerous to be you. Threatening the person your survival depended on is not an option. So, maybe you took on the identity of shamefulness – or locked that away so deeply you don’t feel shame - and your fabulous SWAT team would have come in for you, to prevent you from hurt... People pleasing, conflict avoidant, … trying to be more, perfect. The anticipatory scouts. You may shut down, dissociate, self-isolate, self soothe using substances, activities or people. Some of these parts get so large they tell you they are you. What’s tragic here is then you betray or abandon yourself in the hopes of becoming who others need or want you to be. When traumatised as children… inner parts come into conflict trauma bonds… survival mechanism. Our exiles- attach to someone with narcissistic parts. See person as rescuer even though also source of pain and abandonment. Hurt and rescue cycle and intermittent reinforcement. Activated into making attempts to avoid abandonment and seek validation .
Managers- try and avoid situations… thru perfectionist, caretaking overachieving… … or hypercritical and aggressive to others to control them. In relationship with someone with narcissistic parts… suppress core wounds… internalising criticisms and big self-critic... or might take on caretaking role… educate back into be in an empathic person. micromanage hypocritical to prevent more criticism coming your way. Might also get you to fix and improve yourself. Overexplain or defend... fawning… to maintain relationship.. Parts take us out to distract by overachieving etc as don’t want to confront reality... efforts into surviving relationship rather than detaching so don’t break trauma bond/exile Some people may opt out of relationships altogether, to avoid risk of pain. Firefighters. Reactive to immediate paid… attempt to distract when exiles activated… when with someone with strong narcissistic parts... .dissociate … and engage in extreme behaviours and addictions to numb out pain, or appease etc. Or get you to engage excessively. Love bombing, sex… biochemical bond. But by avoiding pain, it worsens
As always theres hope with IFS.. Compassion towards yourself… Self-compassion really is key… unblending and working with parts.
For those of us who were ground down by living with the trauma. those of us who might say “I’m down the other end of the continuum” - I’m selfless, giving, but “I apologise all the time” and “I take all the responsibility”. Many of us with narcissistic trauma take on all the blame, and we swing so far the other end to get away from being anything like the caregiver/spouse/colleague who showed up with narcissistic traits. It would be unbearable for many parts of us to be called narcissistic. The invitation is still to do the u-turn and see what parts do come up, in reaction to this figure in your life. A spiral learning of different parts that come up maybe. A hierarchy. A polarisation which is drowned out by other parts. Maybe we’ve exiled these protectors, in opposition to the person… still the invitation is to befriend, invite in the small voice that may be kept quiet by the selfless one.. For example I thought i was so selfless… I’m not selfish like my x, a part of me responded. But I hung in there and met the parts of me that want me to stand up for my needs more, to look after my own needs, to be selfish or self-ful. It was there, just needed a bit of teasing out, I’d exiled it for fear of being criticised. Many of us who take on the blame in a traumatic relationship need to befriend our inner critic too. So we can allow our wonderful Self, so hidden by our parts, to shine again… and to be able to make good decisions, speak up for our needs and put the needed boundaries in.
Sarah Ann trivet https://counsellingbc.com/blog/rethinking-narcissism-invitation-examine-our-own-narcissistic-parts-ifs
https://www.sofiavasi.com/blogifsinternalfamilysystemstherapy/how-to-overcome-narcissistic-abuse