This video and set of notes is mainly focused on IFS and blaming others to avoid feeling shame: one of the acts (5th Act) of Martha Sweezy’s shame cycle. (for more info about Martha - https://marthasweezy.com/). We’ve been spending this year looking at the protectors in the cycle (see https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/shameifs ). The video is below (15 mins?) or read the words (I go off a bit on a tangent now and then!). Lots on Martha Sweezy’s shame cycle, also IFS and neurodifferences, Self compassion and healing, Gottman relationship therapy, IFIO couples therapy, polyvagai theory and IFS… hope you find some interesting nuggets.

Why do people blame others? We look at those hardworking parts who aim to help us to stop feeling shame and instead rush in to project it instead on others. Using blame and judgement of others, we can soon see it’s a coping mechanism! Looking through the IFS approach to understanding blame, we can see others’ behaviours and our own more clearly. Intentions are so good. The impact not so! We’ll explore blaming and shaming through the lens of IFS..

1. In this talk I’m not focusing on speaking with the CONFIDENCE CLARITY and COURAGE of Self, standing up for injustice, setting a boundary with someone/something that has transgressed. Self can be connected and curious, and can also be fierce. “I don’t like that… please stop”

2. And ..Remembering of course that not everything comes down to shame – it could be fear, powerlessness, power imbalances, structural inequality etc. and particularly OVERWHELM. Neurodifferent folk like me… our protector parts often respond directly to our neurodifferent traits (hardware) such as sensory processing, rejection sensitivity, hyperfocus, empathy, alexythemia.. and if we get overwhelmed and meltdown it’s not necessarily in response to an exile’s trauma trigger. See the diagram below on Hardware and Firefighter Software (Candice Christiansen and Meg Martinez Dettamanti)… so I don’t know about you but when I’m already out of balance and overwhelmed …. the next tiny thing that comes in … well, my firefighters come in to squash the flames and blame that thing…

To recap…. Martha Sweezy’s great book on IFS and Shame and Guilt… with the Six Acts of the Shame Cycle

1. Something bad happens. Authority figure shames you. What is wrong with you? You made me feel xxx. Interpersonal but child is passive. Words or actions. It’s not just your behaviour that’s not ok… YOU are bad you are wrong 2. Acceptance. I am bad. Child believes it. Takes in burden. Takes as identity. Yes I am worthless. Unloveable. judgement and believes I am shameful. Adaptive for a child to internalise badness, the world is safe and good, it’s me that’s bad

Then comes the Curtain. Some people not even aware of this. Predates by years! Not aware of problems issues happening now. Acts 3-6 different orders and polarise with each other. This is the culmination of the wound, how the child has been hurt - to protect them
3. Inner critics go large. Proactive Manager. Self blame. Somethings wrong with me. That’s true you are bad. .and 4. Anticipatory scouts. Never again motto. Manager again. Reputation. Hide. Do it right. Eyes both out and in. (5 …the Warrior Mutliny… is the focus of this talk/notes see below) 6 Feel good Rescue team. Firefighters. Want you to feel better by soothing. Numbing. Drink, fantasy, shop. ….

5. The warrior mutiny. Firefighters.

Distract and deflect from shame and focus outwards. In ones head or verbally out there…

You are bad, it’s not me.

Diminishing them by comparison. Reboot self esteem.

If you’re externally criticising…these parts think they might have some control over the external environment and keep exiles at bay

Turn painful inside shame and push it out onto others …. Easier to manage that. No you are bad. Can you see how its trying to help? Its got such good intentions. Sometimes… its active rebellious and disinhibited. Sometimes it just eats one from the inside!

Invitation here to take a moment and notice if you have this part within you… notice how it shows up… can you hear it? See it? Body sensations? Does it know you’re noticing it? Does it want or need to let you know anything about itself … Might you let them all know you sense them. Maybe you can let this part know you get it, their anger makes sense, this part wants to blame the other… Invitaton here to ask your system Hows that tend to work for you when you shame another?

Maybe it gets immediate obedience.. but mostly it doesn’t get you what you want, it tends to bring up a negative reaction in the other… the unintended consequence is the others have little choice but to stop listening and shut down

Maybe there’s a different way? There’s an EXIT .. internally …we have within us an innate antidote to shame and burdened parts… connection with our Self. Compassion for protective parts, loving them up… and going and witnessing and reparenting the hurt child holding a burden, letting go of the burden. We can help them befriend parts and get to know their good intentions The Answer is compassion. There is an exit from suffering. Its built in to every one of us. What happens if you’’re hurting. There’s something that’s happened, maybe between you and another, it feels like shame… and you recognise you’re hurt.

Invitation for two routes: the outcome is the same,…meeting the parts of you inside with your wonderful Self maybe youll try one, try the other..I’m wondering what feels right for you?

1 Martha Sweezy suggests you put on your oxygen mask… noticing… ouch that hurt. Take a few breaths. Comfort vulnerable parts before the shamers both outwards and inwards come in, before a part takes action … Noticing there’s a part fpr example wanting to react and blame the other. The invitation here is to connect with it, hi, I see you! .. It’s ok guys. Relax! I’m here We don’t have to deal with this right now. I need space to take care of part that’s hurting. When that part feels better we can decide how to respond. How about giving me a minute with the one inside who’s hurting… then we can see how we want to respond…there is a different way… Invitation to a small experiment, trust me… lets unblend. Send some Compassion to the one whos hurting. Then come back and see what needs doing

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Route 2. For all… not just shame. Couples therapy IFIO works so beautifully. Toni Herbine Blank worked with Martha Sweezy to write the book Intimacy from the Inside Out couples therapy… and I’d really like to draw your attention to how so often things are co created invite you to learn to do U turns when something hurts. PAUSE What just happened? Go back one step. Noticing your environment, how you were already feeling. Did something happen or someone do something? Ah you’re noticing you want to shame someone

Pause… pay attention to your body.. whats happening in my nervous system (cues of danger, fight flight freeze, fawn etc - see polyvagal/IFS diagramme at the bottom?)… do your U Turn – recognise this as a part Befriend the part connecting and validating it Speak for the part not from it… maybe you can then return to the other for connection and co regulation. Kind, curious.. .speak for your parts experience.. when this happened… this is what happened for me and my parts.

Its helpful to notice the other too.. look behind their blame and shame.. look round the protector ..see that there’s a vulnerability underneath – or maybe see that this is a reaction to a ND trait.. its not about the exile – its because of how a ND’s neurology works, maybe too hot/overwhelmed with noise etc.

So its complicated… whats my trauma from childhood? Whats Parts – the software - and whats how the brain works… hardware…? Its intricate but possible to discern …

Important for neurodivergent folk .. maybe everyone.. where are our sensory dials are turned up . temperature, lighting, noise… .how can we look after ourselves to keep ourselves as safe as possible.. lower our stress buckets.. come back to something more regulated. where do we need to put in boundaries, Self care… speak up for our needs..