Self like parts (not that they often like being called that)

Hello everyone,
 Self-like Parts… Blended for life parts… Self mirroring parts

Much of of this talk comes from Mariel Pastor’s IFS Talks conversation https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/befriending-self-parts-mariel-pastor.  It really is worth listening to!  The video from the Drop In is at the bottom, unfortunately the sound cuts in and out so its not great... I know some of you prefer listening to things rather thanreading so I've left it in.  Its totally unedited.. 

First of all I wanted to say a little about Self, the one that is truly you, and what makes it so special…Its really hard to talk about… were told it’s the 8 C’s …qualities of calm, compassion connection, curiosity, clarity, confidence and creativity.  Martha Sweezy and Cece Sykes add in choice.   Other words…  its who you truly are, at your core, the most authentic you…. the spaciousness, the awe, the peace, the deep intuition, the wisdom.. that is within us all and all around us.  And in all our parts.  Its both us and bigger than us.  …What does Self ‘do’ that is so special?   Mariel Pastor reminds us that Self invites in a Full house… "inviting everybody home".   Only Self can truly connect with our vulnerabilities so that DEEP HEALING can occur… Self doesn’t have agenda as such but has a purpose to unify, to connect, bring balance, wholeness.. heal.. to foster the transformation, unconditional love, acceptance, connection, and welcome …  grounded in authenticity..  it lasts.   Self creates space, safety, and connection, so that the Exile can know they’re not alone.   We need to say too... that our parts too, each have Self… sometimes they are burdened and blended but if each is its own entity, ‘sub personality’.. each has Self too.  Self like parts may be Self filled parts – but with an agenda …  or parts that use those wonderful qualities  to intentionally help other parts cope, help along the process or keep exiles at bay.   The overarching thing  Mariel reminds us.. is that even these parts cant help other parts deeply heal. Only Self can do that. Self-like Parts are not equipped to heal deep psychological wounds. They are often very young and tend not to have the emotional maturity and wisdom to help younger parts of your internal  Self is the only true agent of healing in IFS.  

(A few neuro affirming words…. There’s discussion in and around our neurodivergence (there is such a variety of neurotypes!) which is too big a topic to cover here... But it comes down to is, is Self the same for everyone.  Is my system and my Self (for eg) neurodivergent? Sarah Bergenfield talks of the Autistic Self.. and many colleagues talk of their ADHD or AUDHD self.  Others including Dick Schwartz believe that the qualities of Self are the same for each other.  I liked the idea that the qualities are the same but might look or feel different from the outside, like curiosity.. or connection.)

So how to define Self Like parts.  Mariel Pastor affirms that this is mostly a handle name…  It is Mariel's experience - and mine - that often parts often don’t like to be called Self like,.. that’s there’s not genuine Self energy, they are often defined as ‘not’ …   Mariel Pastor invites you to invite them to name themselves!..     We’re not meant to be #in Self all the time… So she reminds us that fear of Self like parts might then bring them up in therapist!  At the end of day.. these parts, she believes, are universal across people…. We all have them.  Welcome them.   No shame no blame.. get to know them.  Reassurance.  Not get rid of them…develop that relationship so we can get to know them   Lets appreciate them… we need these amazing often very highly functioning parts that can carry out tasks with as many of the C’s qualities of Self as possible.   When I’ve done a fab job at something but I’m getting a niggle that my heart wasn’t so open.  I’m not going to look back and say “that wasn’t me”, but I feel like your parts have done a very good job at expressing my Self energy. Maybe we  might not need to differentiate between Self and Self-like parts in this case.   Lets notice… When a Self-Like Part blends with us, we usually miss the fact we’re not in Self.  lets feel energy of them in the body and so you can know when they’re strong, moderate or really relaxed. 

I'd like to give you some CLUES as to when you might spot them… (and then I’ll look more at the categories, just to say, SL parts can be anywhere in the system – managers/firefighters and occasionally even exiles.) 

Inviting you to notice if something isn’t flowing, something stops… a different emotional tone to the connection, something feels like it’s missing, maybe the pacing of the session is too quick, too easy, or it stops or gets blocked.   its not the same as Self energy… wisdom.. When its looking pretty good, these Self like parts, clever and committed to controlling the process.   When theres’ urgency.. ‘trying’/efforting too much… pushing… pushing past.   Going straight to rescue rather than connect

Exiles refusing to build trust with ‘Self’… other protectors say they don’t buy it.. don’t want t allow the connection.   Maybe if there’s been an unburdening and the burden returns? 

If you ever can actually see yourself with a part, it may be that a Self-like Part is around. Also, younger parts of the system may be quite uncooperative as they know that they’re not dealing with the client’s true Self.  When we ask the back and forth… who do you sense is here with you, how old am I etc?

When you don’t know what to do…that might be a part who hasn’t made themselves known as yet… but it also might be Self like who can’t find their clarity.

Types of SL parts
I first read about Self like parts in some of Dick Schwartz's writings…  He sees them mainly as MANAGERS … caretaking and fixing parts, rescue, help
 They have an agenda…help the process but maybe… keeping exiles out of mind    They think, act, and behave much like the client’s Self…. They  often believe they are you –convinced this will keep us safe.    Imagine you see a small child looking alone.. What do you notice?   Do you dive in and try and make them feel better.. rush in to comfort them like a parent would… scoop up the child and take them out of there…   … just so kind..   However its taking action before CONNECTION!   It might not be the best choice.   The child might feel impinged upon, smothered…  they might not want to be taken out of there.  The good intentions still might make them feel more fear, more unsafe.   We might try and validate and comfort the hurting one, offer great advice on what to do,   reminder - We don’t know how someone is feeling until they tell us, even parts within us.   Lets never assume.  multiple layers of truth at the same time inside of us.    Inviting you to allow it to speak for itself.  It could be a young Protector, pointing us towards another Part… the one that really is the Exile. The point is, we simply don’t know until that connection is made, and the Part tells us.  Wondering if you might have a Self like Do it right part…  processes and procedures.   Am I doing this right? Compassion tick, confidence tick...  Heady… maybe misses the actual feeling.    This part may have learned the IFS protocols and is dutifully following them. a little less present .. When I’ve got more Self I have the confidence and sensitivity to go off-script and spontaneously respond 

However… Mariel reminds us they can also be FIREFIGHTERS   can be numbing for example and in Loch Kelly’s work… he talks about the ‘witness’ state that can look like Self energy.. Witness Protection Program (FBI helping)… still protective.. but its actually more impersonal.   Mariel invites you to feel into your heart . then less impersonal than a witness would be.    How about the 'Groovy' FF parts – the ones that may spiritual bypass.. they provide a lovely feeling inside.. positive.. out of fear.. whatever’s there these parts don’t think we can’t handle it.   Feeling in the body… spiritual energy… feels good for the nervous system.. change feeling state as quickly as possible… except its still avoiding something else.. distracting.. fear underneath… we need hope we can deal with the thing underneath.  Might react with some sort of overarching positive conclusion or platitude  Everything happens for a reason we’re all one.”   “There’s a silver lining … Out of suffering is growth.”   Maybe a magical mystical vision… bypassing and maybe even a minimizing suffering  - deep wisdom from a higher, more profound source, something we couldn’t possibly think up ourselves.   Connection and attunement is what’s truly needed … moving toward rather than away.


Can be EXILES .. not as common according to Mariel Pastor…  when you come in contact with young open creative innocent energy inside… its so refreshing to have that energy back.  The unburdened inner child(ren) free, so unencumbered… Some parts might say… that’s who I am .. that’s me  ‘Free child’… Yes very close to Self energy.. but not the leader.. not the wise, deeply intuitive Self.  Mariel reminds us… the Child isn’t wisest leader of system, but is very very important and has many Self full qualities.

How to work with them….

 As always…lets connect and attune…  lets say hi to them, connecting with them ..  engaging and attuning with them, appreciating them… inviting them to see the you behind them all.. feel them in your body!   Lets not be afraid of them, alarmed… but be curious and gently enquire.. Is there a part in here that’s maybe working hard?   If in the client pleaser or caretaker part.. you could ask.. is there someone here?  … 

Trust needs to be built.. work with it a bit… new way to collaborate so its not in the lead.   They 
carry good info about system.   .

What’s it afraid will happen if it doesn’t do this work for you right now? / What’s it afraid will happen if it lets you connect directly…   Let that conversation go where it will!


Thanks so much for reading… 


Biblio

This is where most of my talk comes from – Mariel speaks so eloquently… https://internalfamilysystems.pt/multimedia/webinars/befriending-self-parts-mariel-pastor

See her website and the wonderful Unburdened System mandala she created https://www.marielpastor.com/

There’s a few other resources out there on the internet…Alessio Rizzo for example, writes a little about them... have a browse!  

Here is the video… the sound cuts in and out, not sure why … here it is for anyone who wants to do spiral learning by listening…