The Never Again Team - Anticipatory Scouts

22 Jun

Hello everyone,
Today, I want to talk about our anticipatory scouts, the NEVER AGAIN team.   The video about these prevention managers from an IFS perspective is 10 minutes long.  Then my parts and I wanted to share more about these from different lenses - particularly, polyvagal - fawn trauma response, culture/society and power dynamics, unmasking whether it be Autism/neurodiveregence or from these parts, in community - finding safe enough community - noticing our co-created relationship dynamc, where do I encourage other's Never Again team, askinginside how can I be an ally to those who aren't safe enough to be able to unmask/let go of these Scouts.  Finally, some opportunities to practice with that wonderful Self of yours, updating your Never Again Team and taking baby experiments with safe enough people.  So the next 15 minutes are not strictly IFS as clearly these parts have an activist agenda!  I've closed with a poem that some of my parts love and some don't.  What do you and your parts find?!      So....  What are these preventative managers, the Never Again Team, the Anticipatory Scouts?
These proactive managers,  according to Martha Sweezy, protect us from feeling shamed, criticised, and judged. They help us exile those awful feelings of not being good enough, worthless, or ashamed.  Our exiles who have taken on the mistaken belief that we’re not ok, they’ve taken on those burdens.
As usual, I’d like to say I’m not an expert, I’m pulling info together in my usual enthusiastic way there’s so much more… also I’m not an expert on YOUR system.  What do you think?  This paradigm is an invitation for you to look inside you and see what works for you?  Don’t take my words as truth… take them in, and give them a good chew!  Keep what you like and leave the rest.
Last year we looked at Martha Sweezy’s Shame Cycle in 6 Acts from her excellent book IFS for Shame and Guilt.  The notes and video can be seen here   https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/shameifs    Here is a pictoral version I did to help me understand the shame cycle.

The Shame Cycle

To briefly remind you, Martha Sweesy outlines the Six Acts of the Shame Cycle:

Something bad happens: An authority figure shames you, sending the message that you are bad. This act can involve words or actions, and it can range from overt criticism to neglect and abuse, whether physical, verbal, or sexual. The child receives the message that their natural emotions, like joy or anger, are not welcome. It’s not just their behavior that is unacceptable; they are told they are bad
Acceptance: The child then believes they are bad, internalising this as their identity. They accept the judgment and take it as their truth. This leads to feelings of worthlessness, being unlovable, and a sense of inherent wrongness. This acceptance is adaptive for the child as it provides a way to make sense of their world, but it leaves deep scars.
Inner Critics: These critics go large, leading to self-blame and internalise negativity. Inner critics become harsh judges that continuously berate the individual, reinforcing the feelings of inadequacy and shame. Intra psychically the victim becomes the perpetrator. Internally to regulate shame. Anger turned inward.
Anticipatory Scouts: They look out for potential shame and criticism, both from others and ourselves. They are proactive managers focused on preventing future shame. These scouts constantly scan for danger, trying to preemptively manage situations to avoid any risk of shame or criticism.
Warrior Mutiny: This act involves shaming others to deflect shame from oneself. It’s a defensive mechanism where the individual, feeling overwhelmed by their own shame, lashes out at others to protect themselves. Interpersonally, anger is deflected outward to regulate shame. The victim again becomes the perpetrator outwards this time as a Firefighter
Soothing Rescue Squad: Self-soothing and distracting behaviors without concern for the costs. These behaviors include various forms of self-medication or distraction to avoid dealing with the pain and shame.

Anticipatory Scouts Act 4, the anticipatory scouts, are constantly on high alert. They warn us to avoid actions that might evoke shame from others. They live by the motto: "Never again." These scouts strive to fit us into social norms, avoiding exclusion and ensuring we belong. They act as vigilant guards, keeping an eye on both internal vulnerabilities and external dangers. Eyes both out and in Repeatedly warn you to anticipate and prevent future external shaming – don’t act in ways that will evoke shaming or retaliation by others.. Reputation. Hide. Do it right. They fear the future. They live on high alert and look for danger down the road. Do this and not be that. They imagine revisit and rehearse. They might dredge up scenes from the past and show us how we might be shamed in the future. Anticipating complaints and criticism, rejection from others and from internal managers. They want to improve system. Take control. They believe in surviving by belonging. What to wear, what to care about, who to be, how to fit in. Clothes, language, ideas, partners. Stick with the group Self Generating. Hologram better this part is saying

However, this constant vigilance comes at a cost. effects not good, their actions reinforce the existence of exiled parts. Keeps everything locked up. they’re not popular internally as they manufacture anxiety and often bring up firefighters who come in in reaction..

A survival/ trauma response - we abandon our needs to attend to others which can lead to major health problems due to inherent stress and constant anxiety. They prevent us from expressing ourselves and being authentic which actually harms relationships They may lead us to conform in ways that are not beneficial, such as participating in harmful group behaviors just to belong. Belonging can ‘eclipse concern and compassion, They want us to please others and be popular.

As Martha Sweezy says… the way through is Self compassion. Inviting these parts to really get to know YOU… Check out… how do you feel towards them? /inviting other parts to come and join us, maybe they can give you a few minutes with this part or parts… Might you send some care and warmth .. appreciation for what they’ve been doing for you.

Classic IFS – Find the part in and around your body… Focus on it… Ask it to tell you about itself… befriend… check how you feel. Find out its concerns, maybe you can glimpse the vulnerability this one protects.. Over time it might allow you to be with the vulnerable one who this one came in to protect – that holds onto the belief that they’re not good enough, they took on the identity - and let them know you’re here. You care.

So I could end here… but I’m choosing not to, parts of me want to say more, other parts don’t want me to… Its clear to me there’s more to say… so moving broader…

Bringing in polyvagal theory. I love the work of Janae Elizabeth, Trauma Geek – suggest you look at ‘Fawning – the trauma response that is easiest to miss essay on her website.

I see a connection in my Anticipatory Scouts to the fawning response. How about you? There’s something really interesting for me here… These parts might look like Ventral Vagal relaxed social engagement… thriving … but they are actually survival trauma responses… Our facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language might seem friendly and accommodating, but internally, we are on both high alert and submit and Self is not in the lead… .It’s exhausting to maintain this facade of social engagement while feeling disconnected from Self

Janae Elizabeth points out that this response (in our language.. maybe … ‘part’) involves both sympathetic and dorsal activation, A little experiential, hopefully not too stressful, just to illustrate a fairly benign one… if you’d like to do this with me, no worries if not, imagine someone wanting to take a photo of you… parts of you are not particularly keen. how are your cheeks feeling… whats happening to your body? Tense? Alert? Collapsed/submit… Frozen? what do you do? . For me it's like pushing the accelerator while the emergency brake is engaged. This creates a state where we appear socially engaged but are actually in a survival mode.

I doodled the diagram below… I see fawn now as a combo of states not just submit… What do you experience in your own system?

I want to also talk about Power dynamics and privilege cultural and social contexts – and safety

These parts are deeply ingrained in our social, religious and cultural fabric. In many Western cultures, especially in professional and social environments, obedience and fawning behaviors are often rewarded and expected. We are taught from a young age to be agreeable, to smile, and to not rock the boat. This conditioning teaches us to prioritise others' needs over our own, perpetuating the cycle of self-neglect and anxiety.

Those in positions of authority, such as bosses, teachers, police, religious leaders or parents, those with privilege may not recognise these parts for what they are – a survival mechanism. Instead, they might see our anticipatory scouts as genuine agreement or respect, leading to a lack of authentic connection and understanding.

Want to emphasise here power relations, privilege around gender norms, class, race, disability and privilege. Neurotypical norms.

privilege and safety. Are you in a safe enough environment? Many of these behaviours come from abuse, back then and present day. Many of us who had difficult childhoods find ourselves in relationships that somehow mirror our childhoods.. I’ve heard again and again, that if you’re surrounded by those who shame and blame, or those who might commit violence or even kill… , people with power over, these protectors need to continue to do their fabulous job… not only they, but Self too, can see, its not safe to invite these parts to relax, step back, go on holiday or let go of these legacy burdens…we need them around, they might be exhausted.

The request here is for parts to still meet with Self, who can be there whatever happens, discernment. Whats safe here for me now in this moment…. maybe you do the internal healing.. help with some of the older memories and exiled feelings of being alone… your internal world, whilst still keeping very safe in the present.

It’s really clear to me..who you surround yourself with matters, some of us can move away from those who aren’t able to allow us to be ourselves.. and some of us even as adults have fewer choices that others. It’s dangerous to disagree to disappoint, to be yourself in many environments.. Discernment, conversations inside, listen to your parts and hear their intentions, concerns, also their impacts on you. Discern and make decisions, from that place.

Looking at my own power and privilege … Where am I one up and where am I one down? Those of us with privilege might meet with our power over, superiority. An invitation to question inside whether these parts of you serve your well-being and that of your community… Notice if you catch someone else in an anticipatory scout… do a u turn… where is the power dynamic here? I have parts that have power over. I’m wondering how it might be to meet with our own cultural and familial legacy burdens and where our parts might ‘encourage’ others anticipatory scouts to take more extreme roles..– class, race, disability vs privilege.. It is for us to do the moving here, I feel very passionately about this (Self as an activist, mixed with rescue parts and neurodivergent justice honesty traits). I can see for me I do both. Its been a really important journey for me to do my own work of where I might – often unintentionally – use my power over to ‘encourage’ anticipatory scouts in others. My own trauma and protective parts – my own warrior mutiny, shaming others, criticisng, judging, forcing, being superior. An invitation for you too to befriend our parts that do this They have good intentions their effects not so good and can be horrendous. There are many books out there about working with our inner superiority/privilege.

The Challenge:

In IFS we tend not to go to solutions/advice.. I have a part that wants to offer some… we are going for healing down the line, Martha Sweezy invites us to invite parts to try experiments. I don’t know about you but my littlies long for authenticity and me being me.… I’m wondering about inviting meetings with parts and updating them, that our limbic systems are still thinking we’re say 5… invite them to see us now, with options and choices… Also calling in support, our safe enough community, and trying some experiments.

We need external community in this world of ours where the prevailing culture blames and shames, is set up for power differentials… Seek Support, we each need our own safe (enough!) community: who can you be yourself with? Who can be safe (enough) with you? Or at least try some experiments within, from a Self led place.

I love the Intimacy from the Inside Out model – IFS couples therapy – developed by Toni Herbine Blank. Where can I have the experience of being seen and seeing another fully… vulnerabilities, strengths and limitations? Warts and all!

CAN I BE FULLY MYSELF AND STILL BE LOVED BY YOU? This question is at the centre of my couples work.. and so applicable here. How can we speak for our parts and speak and act in a way that is authentic.

An invitation to meet with supportive individuals or groups who understand and validate your experiences, and try it out…. Baby steps.

I’m going to recommend this book … Unmasking Autism…Dr Devon Price. Applicable for us all, neurodivergent or not Page 205 Here are some questions to help us find people who might be safe enough to try some experiments with?

Who do I feel comfortable expressing disagreement to?
Who helps me think about my opinions and choices in a nonjudgmental way?
Who tells me honestly when I've hurt them, and gives me a real opportunity to do better?
Who treats me with respect no matter what?
Who leaves me feeling rejuvenated or inspired?
Who brings out the wild, playful side of me?
Is there anyone I want to try being more open and unfiltered with?

On page 189 there’s this table of challenges which I thought really went with this talk.. I’ve amended it… checking in with your parts…baby steps… I have a part that likes trying these out as experiments with my people pleasing/masking parts, in conjunction with Self. We have a little test, little experiment… find out if its safe, updating parts as we go. That was back then, when I had fewer choices and scary folk around me… this is now. Let’s try for 10 minutes? No … ok how about 5? No ok … 2.. yes.... Self is always there anyway,

And here are some experiments to try from a Self led place… reminding those polarities within that you are there with them.. I like to try one… see how it goes… maybe try another another day..

Everyday Unmasking: Daily Challenges

· Notice somatically when you feel pressured to do something you don't wish to do and say hi to those inside. Let them know you notice.

· When a friend asks you how you are doing, an invitation to your parts to trust you… and give them an honest answer.

· Invite your parts to trust you on a baby action – go for it without running it past anyone else for approval.

· Inviting your parts to allow you to have a go and ask for something (little!) that might be hard for some parts to request.

· Wondering how it might be for parts inside to disappoint someone: Practice saying "no," "I'm not available to do that,". "I'm uncomfortable with that," or "I have to go now" without any explanation or apology. Check it out.. How about having a go, a role play, a mini practice. See how it goes?

· Invitation to see if your parts would trust you to express disagreement in a safe enough situation where your parts would have you normally just nodding along to keep the peace

Overall… an invitation to build our capacity to be misunderstood by others Internal secure connection and attachments first. This process allows us more freedom to choose our own path and values. It may be you have more choices and options now, that its not as dangerous as it was when we were growing up to be ourselves. Listening to our anticipatory scouts, noticing a fawning response.. and then to the polarised parts that don’t like them, or want to rebel, Self to Part, Part to Self,… with connection and care within our internal territory, each step brings us closer to coming home to ourselves and living in more authenticity.

Setting Boundaries: Inviting your parts to notice you, trust you and start if that feels ok, to practice setting small boundaries in safe (enough) environments. Each Self to Part and Part to Self connection brings us closer to coming home to ourselves. This journey is not easy, and there’s going to be bumps.. but it is hopefully profoundly rewarding being more Self led... Meeting with our parts, connecting into our inner community, and then our outer community we can live more authentic, fulfilling lives.

It's very much my view that those of us with privilege might meet the invitation of being aware of power dynamics and maybe if it feels right to do our own work to unburden our own legacies, working with our parts, leading with Self, with that open hearted connection and presence. We can listen and be ally’s to those who are on the receiving end of power imbalance, maybe with the courage and confidence of Self to voice what maybe they can not. Inviting us to imagine that behind the anticipatory scouts, the protectors of others, there is the hidden vulnerability behind, and treating others with kindness and care.

Ending here with a poem… I have parts that love this and others that react to it, saying I’m siding with parts that want the fawn/anticipatory scouts to stop doing what they’re doing. I wonder what yours do?