Getting to know our Inner Critics
Martha Sweezy has recently written an article about Inner Critics in Psychology Today … “Inner Critic – An IFS perspective” which has a byline ‘Inner Critics need your kindness, patience and love’… She writes the more curiosity and kindness you can offer these subpersonalities with you, the calmer and more responsive they will be. Inner Critics fear us being unloveable.. they want to save us from a perpetually threatening state of shamefulness. They want us to feel safe and loved.. So... Ask it for its good intentions. Our inner critics are too young … most under 10 (check out how old yours is?…), naïve, self-sacrificing … and they are too earnest to grasp the irony of shaming us.. to prevent the feeling of shamefulness... they are eager copy cats of the shaming words we heard when little. They intend that we feel better. Of course with their shaming we feel worse!(see https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/internal-family-systems-therapy-for-shame-and-guilt/202308/the-inner-critic-an-internal-family#:~:text=In%20short%2C%20though%20pitiless%20and,imply%20this%20will%20be%20easy.)
In this talk I’m going to look at Inner Critics from 3 perspectives: Martha Sweezy, Jay Earley and integrating the Enneagram.
Last year we looked at Martha Sweezy’s Shame Cycle in 6 Acts from her most excellent book. The notes and video can be seen here https://www.stroudtherapy.com/news/shameifs I think this is a wonderful way of looking at our inner critics. Here is a pictoral version I did to help me understand the shame cycle.
So the first 3 Acts of the Shame Cycle. 1. Something bad happens. Authority figure shames you. What is wrong with you? You made me feel xxx. Interpersonal but child is passive. Words or actions come at you ALSO Neglect, abuse, physical verbal sexual. Sends message that your exuberance, joy, anger is not welcome. It’s not just your behaviour that’s not ok… YOU are bad you are wrong Then… 2. Acceptance. I am bad. Child believes it. Takes in burden. Takes as identity. Yes, I am worthless. Unlovable. A mistake. I’m too much. Too little. Evil. Weak. Accepts judgement and believes ‘I am shameful’. Adaptive for a child to internalise badness, the world is safe and good, it’s me that’s bad Then, .Acts 3-6 different orders and polarise with each other. This is the culmination of the wound, how the child has been hurt - to protect them
3. Inner critics go large. Proactive Manager. Self-blame. Somethings wrong with me. That’s true you are bad. . Mimics the external Shamer - you’re so... xxx. I’m unlovable. Core fears. Hold child responsible. Wants to improve child, act differently or lie low Exuberance, sexuality, anger sadness quietness self-agency
If you suppress yourself. Make yourself smaller this part says then that’ll save you as a whole. You’ll belong, you’ll be loved. Considered worthy. If you just get that part to go down. But it’s Instrumental shaming. Has positive pro social intent but so hurtful. Take control in dangerous situation. Now its 2 parts. Shamer and shamed one holding a burden. As always… the way out is Self to part relationship, Self-Compassion. A bad thing happened I’m not bad. I feel bad x happened.
So, how to work with your IC? Like we did in our meditation… turn inside and notice… Find, focus, .. maybe it can relax and give a little bit of space… or you might put it in a comfortable room, stay outside, look at it notice how you feel towards it. Lets assume dislike is how other parts feel towards it? Ask them to relax As soon as other parts are willing to step back, a different “you” will be apparent. You might feel expansive, relaxed, aware, and grown-up. Perhaps you will feel calm. Perhaps joyful. In any case, this is the you that we in the IFS world talk about. You are the one who remains when your parts make some room inside. You are the one who notices them. You are the one who can help them. Your job is to interrupt this mindset by inviting them to try something new: making room inside and noticing you. They are not alone, you exist, and you can help. Try it. See what happens. And, if you feel inspired to notice your critic in other ways, write, draw, paint, sing, or dance about what you discover – the more you offer this and other parts kind, compassionate attention, the more they will notice and cooperate with you. Everyone will benefit
Start by asking inside if anyone else objects to you having a chat with the critic. If not, ask if you can also go into the room with the critic. If no one objects to that, go ahead. But if someone does object, stay outside.
Either way, ask the critic to take a break from its job and instead talk with you about why it does the job. What its hopes and fears are. How did it come into being.. whos voice is it? Who it senses you are.
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I wanted to bring in talking about ICs from a different perspective.
Jay Earley who’s written several books called ‘Self Therapy’ (he focuses on protectors and exiles fyi rather than classic manager/firefighter/exile dynamic) brought in a list: (for me some of these are the Anticipatory Scouts (ACT 4) – whom we’re looking at next month… the ones that look out at how others view you, as well as in) – i.e. perfectionist, controller, taskmaster, moulder)
Underminer Task of this Inner Critic is to undermine your self-confidence to protect you against the risk of failure. They tell you that you are worthless and that you will not succeed. "Don’t even try because you’ll fail anyway." "It’s pointless." "Let it go, why waste time on this?"
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Moulder they try to get you to blend in, and keep your head down, moulding you in such a way so that you become someone who fits into the family values and principles of your family and/or culture. This Inner Critic praises you when you behave in accordance with them, attacks you when you don’t. "What will other people think? "Don’t make a fool of yourself." "Keep your head down!" "Do as you are told."
Destroyer They make direct attacks on your self-esteem by making you believe that you shouldn’t exist. They shame you to your core. "You are a mistake; you should have never been born" "You are one big failure" "You are worthless."
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Guilt-Tripper Their job is to blame you for specific actions and decisions you took (or didn’t take) in the past i.e. behaviour that was harmful to others (especially those who are important to you), regardless of whether it was done deliberately or not. "How could you?" "You will never forgive yourself." "You will regret this." "They will never forgive you."
Perfectionist They want you to do things perfectly. They have high standards for performance, and when you don’t get to meet them, they attack you and say that your actions are not good enough for e.g.… Try harder!" "You’re not planning to leave it like that, are you?" "Your work is worthless!" "You will never do it right."
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Inner Controller Their task is to control impulsive behaviours, such as binging on sweets, turning to alcohol, using drugs and various stimulants (coffee, cigarettes, etc.). When you do one of these things, the Controller will start to blame you and criticize you. "You did it again. "You have no willpower. “Shame on you!" "You will never break free from this!"
Taskmaster They will do whatever it takes to get you to work as hard as possible. In order to motivate you they tell you that you are lazy or incompetent, and that you can achieve nothing. They often fight with another part, the procrastinator. "Rest is for the weak." "You won’t achieve anything in life unless you start working hard.⠀⠀
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Anyone interested in the Enneagram?
The Enneagram is a personality typology that describes nine distinct personality types, each with its own motivations, fears, and coping mechanisms. While the Enneagram doesn't directly address the concept of the "Internal Critic" as explicitly as Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy does, there are connections between Enneagram types and internal critical voices or self-critical tendencies. In the Enneagram framework, certain personality types may be more prone to internal criticism due to their core motivations and fears. While the Enneagram provides insights into how different personality types may experience internal criticism, it doesn't offer specific techniques for addressing or working with the internal critic like IFS therapy does. However, understanding one's Enneagram type can provide a starting point for self-awareness and personal growth, which can ultimately help individuals develop healthier relationships with their internal critics. www.eclecticenergies.com for tests
Type 1 (The Perfectionist/Reformer): Type Ones have a strong inner critic that pushes them towards perfection and criticizes them when they fall short of their high standards. I am good or okay if I do things right. The inner critic will let you know when you are not doing something correctly. People who identify with type one can be so hard on themselves.
Type 2 (The Helper/Giver): Twos may have an internal critic that chastises them for not being helpful or caring enough towards others. It will push you towards being good The inner critic will want proof to know that you are loved.. but unfortunately the instructions from your inner critic may end up pushing away the people that you like.
Type 3 (The Achiever): Threes may have an internal critic that pushes them to constantly achieve and succeed, criticizing them when they perceive themselves as failing or falling short of their goals. The inner critic may ask a lot of you to make you successful, and instruct you to become whatever person is needed to get the job done.
Type 4 (The Individualist, Deep Diver): The inner critic might try to make sure you never fit in, calling on you to focus on showing people how unique you are. Fours often struggle with feelings of inadequacy and may have an internal critic that focuses on their perceived flaws and shortcomings.
Type 5 ( Observer/Investigator) The inner critic will urge you to keep your thoughts to yourself. You only share when you are confident that you have learned all there is to learn. The worst thing for a type five would be to share a half-baked idea.
Type 6 (The Loyalist): Sixes may have an internal critic that warns them of potential dangers or criticizes them for being too anxious or indecisive… all the many things that could go wrong. If it has its way, it will keep you in constant anxiety preventing you from trying anything out of your comfort zone.
Type 7 (The Adventurer): The inner critic will always be looking for new adventures. It will do everything it can to prevent you from feeling any discomfort. It will discourage you from finishing a project if you are already feeling bored. Its motto is fun at all costs.
Type 8 (The Challenger): Eights may have an internal critic that pushes them to be strong and assertive, criticizing them for showing vulnerability or weakness. The inner critic will always be on patrol. Anyone perceived as a threat will not be tolerated. The inner critic will do everything it can to keep you safe.
Type 9 (The Peacemaker) keep the peace at all costs. Just ignore your own needs and do what everyone else wants to. To keep you safe, the critic may insist that you have no worth or value. Hence it is better that you blend in with everyone else. Nines may also have an internal critic that criticizes them for avoiding conflict or not asserting themselves.